Trump Claims Ricola Made Hillary A Cough Drop That Clears Up Cough And Makes Her Deadly Assassin

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Donald Trump campaign is accusing former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton of a new conspiracy theory, and this one they say is “shocking and goes all the way to the top.”

Holding a press conference in front of Trump Tower, the alleged billionaire and Republican presidential nominee told reporters he and his staff had uncovered a plot to cover up two key elements of Clinton’s life — her health, and her career as a trained, CIA assassin. Trump claimed that the conspiracy proves what conservatives have been buzzing about for weeks, that Clinton is “both a frail, weak, old woman with limited mental and physical strength and a cold-blooded, ruthless assassin who will either kill or have killed all those who oppose her.”

“Crooked Hillary has been crookedly working with Ricola to make a special cough drop,” Trump said, waving his diminutive hands as he spoke, “and that cough drop was specially designed to cover up her obvious health problems — which we’ve seen as she coughs like no other human on Earth could possibly cough — and her obvious role as a deadly killer and criminal gangster. We’ve been saying all along she’s both a frail, weak, old woman with limited mental and physical strength and a cold-blooded ruthless assassin who will either kill or have killed all those who oppose her, and now we have proof in the form of this conspiracy theory we don’t have any evidence to support.”

According to Trump, his campaign was sent an email from “[email protected]” that stated the author knew of a conspiracy between Clinton and Ricola. The email, while not providing any proof to back up the claims, was written “in a very serious tone,” Trump said, “and in a way that made you think this guy might know what he’s talking about.”

“Trust me,” Trump told reporters, “I get anonymous tips. The best anonymous tips, really. We can trust this email to be completely legitimical and verificationally correct.”

The anonymous email sent to Trump claims that Ricola worked with ThermoChemiCo, a Clinton Foundation Donor, to develop a special lozenge for Ms. Clinton. Once put in her mouth, the lozenge secrets a special, “super-duper holy cow secret” chemical compound that not only stops Secretary Clinton’s coughing fits, but also sends a special neurosignal to her brain, giving her superhuman strength and agility. It’s then, with that chemical raging through her body, which trump reiterated is “also totally old and frail and shit,” that she can carry out her mission to murder anyone who stands in her way.

“We all know, don’t we,” Trump said, “that Crooked Hillary is capable of crooked doing so many crooked things crookedly. But until we got this email from this totally legitimate source and not some Russian hacker or Alex Jones or both, or whatever, we had no idea how crooked far Crooked Hillary was crooked willing to crooked go…crooked.”

Mr. Trump said that while he is “absolutely certain” the allegations in the email are “completely legit and valid,” he doesn’t expect the media to act on them.

“Because the media hates me,” Trump said, “just because I mock them if they’re disabled, or blacklist them from my campaign if they dare cover me like the Constitution says they can — freely and fairly. So will they do their due diligence and track this story down? I know my good friend Marcus Palumbozo over at Allen West’s website will write about it. And I’m sure my pals at Breitbart will cover it, so we’ve obviously got the real news outlets covered. But I challenge the media to cover this new crooked story about Crooked Hillary being super-duper crooked about stuff. Also, again, crooked.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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