Trump Offers Citizenship to Anchor Babies Who Sign Up For Space Force

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump could reportedly be signing an Executive Order at any moment that would effectively end birthright citizenship, even though it’s highly dubious in terms of constitutionality.

Moments ago, Trump offered compromises to critics who point out that the 14th Amendment does not mention citizens, only “persons,” and that birthright citizenship has been settled case law for over a hundred years. First, Trump offered to only take away birthright citizenship from non-white babies. Then, just moments ago, Trump floated yet another way to find common ground with his opponents.

“Alright, so, a lot of people seemed unhappy about the no birthright citizenship thing, and a lot more people seemed even more upset about only allowing white babies tohave it,” Trump said.

“So, you know what? I’ve learned my lesson, and it’s obvious that, despite what I presidentially decree to be better for my nation, you want me to help the Browns. So, okay, Miller and me cooked something up for them, too.”

President Trump plans to order the Space Force to offer citizenship to anyone born in this country to undocumented parents, provided they sign up for “at least one mission to Mars, or another planet” of his choosing at a later date.

“Talk about a win-win! We get service to the country in what can only be described as the coolest branch of the military,” Trump said, “and they get to be citizens.”

Mr. Trump says that the new citizens will “go from anchor babies to orbit babies.”

“That’s another win-win, because we give them citizenship, and still rocket them away from us good, clean, ammo hoarding, white Americans. This might be the most American thing I’ve ever proposed, to be honest, Fam.”

There will be “one small string attached” to the citizenship Space Force enlistment entitles one to, however, Trump said.

“They have to agree to only vote for me, or one of my non-Tiffany or non-Eric kids in the future,” Trump said. “You know, how freedom works now.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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