Trump: China Sent Him Three Balloons as Gifts for Opening Secret Bank Accounts

Hours after former President Trump criticized how long it took President Joe Biden to issue the order to have a Chinese balloon spotted over American airspace shot down, it was revealed that three such incidents occurred occurred under the D-List reality TV game show’s tenure in the White House. While some might have felt shame, or even a modicum of embarrassment when their apparent hypocrisy was so easily and quickly demonstrated, Mr. Trump instead offered up what he called a “perfect, air-tight, solid explanation” for keeping the existence of three Chinese balloons in American airspace from the general public.

“First of off, I’m not even a hundred percent sure I knew about the balloons, okay? My people kept a lot of stuff from me, like ketchup bottles when I was angry, for instance. So it’s entirely possible-ish that I didn’t even know they had put balloons up there,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “However, after talking it over with my First Lady, she reminded me that those balloons were all sent by the Central Bank of China as thank you gifts for when I opened my secret accounts with them. And I gotta say, Ivanka’s memory is usually spot-on about these things.”

While mentioning the former First Lady, Trump also reassured his base that she was not “harmed in any way” by Biden’s order to down the balloon that was initially reported on as hovering in the skies over Montana.

“And for the record, Vanky says that none of her Chinese copyrights, which she got thanks to her favorite President Daddy, were aboard the balloon when Sleepy Joe finally shot it down,” Trump wrote. “Me, I would’ve had one of my sons, the least dumb one, use his wrist rocket to shoot it down IMMEDIATELY, but that’s just me, maybe. Not everyone can be as smart as me am smart.”

@jamboschlarmbo #Trump always has an explanation. #ChineseSpyBalloon #satire #politics #politik #political ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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