Trump On Charlottesville Attacker: ‘If I Had Another Racist Son, He’d Look Like James Fields’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, arriving at the White House via the Marine One helicopter this morning, spoke in the most specific and clear terms about the horrific violence that took place in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend. A group of white nationalists, carrying Tiki torches, rallied around a confederate Civil War monument Friday night, which drew anti-white power demonstrators the following day, during which the “Unite the Right” rally was being held. In the ensuing chaos, a man used his car to ram through pedestrians, killing one woman and injuring over a dozen more.

While the attacker was officially ordered to be held without bail this morning, President Trump urged “caution and restraint” in judging the man before he gets his day in court.

“Maybe I’m biased here okay,” Trump said to reporters as he walked back into the presidential mansion, “but you all know my two racist sons, Eric and Donald Jr., right? Well, if I had another racist son, he’d look like James Fields.”

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Trump told the press pool he understands why people want swift justice, but that Americans should resist the urge to “judge American Nazis so harshly.”

“American Nazis are just like you and me, folks,” Trump said, “they put their jackboots on one leg at a time. And I just worry if we start becoming intolerant of their intolerance, Nazis won’t feel special, or coddled, or catered to because they’re white anymore. And I ask you this, my fellow Americans, do we really want to live in a world where being white in and of itself is an accomplishment worthy of admiration and applause?”

Mr. Trump also cautioned people not to assume Fields is “evil or bad” because he killed a young woman and injured so many others with his car.

“Just because he ran someone over with his car,” Trump said, “does that really make him as bad as, say, Crooked Hillary bleaching her phone or whatever? Come on people. Stay focused. Hillary, bad. Nazis, my friends. Get it? Got it? Good.”

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Fighting back tears, Trump said that he “couldn’t help but me reminded” of his own sons when watching the news coverage of Fields’ attack and his subsequent arrest and arraignment.

“I just can’t imagine my own darling, overbitten, dumbfuck son Don being treated as harshly as this fine young Nazi has been by the FAKE NEWS,” Trump said, “and when I do imagine it, I get really sad. Bigly sad. We have courts for a reason, folks.”

Before he went inside the White House, President Trump told the press he was going to be taking dance lessons, as a gift from one of his top advisers.

“I’m bigly excited to be taking the ballroom dance course Steve Bannon signed me up for,” Trump said, “The first dance we’re learning is the Goosestep!”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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