Trump Challenges John McCain to Fist Fight

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the last several days, President Donald Trump has increased his hostile, combative, insulting, and demeaning rhetoric toward the late Senator John McCain, culminating in him telling reporters he’s “never been a fan of John McCain” and he “never will.” President Trump has indicated that he feels personally hurt and offended that McCain was the one who helped broker the handing off of Christopher Steele’s notorious dossier that held quite salacious claims about Trump and his activities in Russia. Making matters worse, when McCain died last year, President Trump was specifically not invited to attend.

“I’m telling you, that makes me feel so pissed on,” Trump told reporters this morning. “Thinking about how McCain did me like that. It just makes me fee so very, very, very pissed on.”

Trump’s stinging remarks about McCain followed a weekend that saw him bashing the Vietnam veteran and war hero on Twitter on more than one occasion.

Trump’s words did not go unnoticed by McCain’s daughter, Meghan. She blasted Trump not just on Twitter, but also on ABC’s The View, a day time talk show Ms. McCain cohosts. In a tweet, McCain questioned whether Trump spends any time with his family. She said that “no one will ever love” President Trump like people loved her late father.

It would appear that the president hasn’t quite finished with his feud, however. Despite a poll showing that more than 70% of Americans think McCain would win, today President Trump issued a stunning challenge to the former Arizona Senator and alive human being. The president wants to have fisticuffs with McCain, as soon as is humanly possible.

“I hereby, using my official powers as God Emperor President, challenge John McCain to a fist fight. Let’s settle this thing,” Trump announced. “I want to challenge him, mano-a-tiny-mano.”

Citing the difference in the pair’s states of alive-ness, Trump said he thinks he might, finally, have the upper hand.

“Before, every time I’d think about challenging him to a fight, my bone spurs would act up like crazy,” Trump admitted. “Now, though? I’m pretty sure I could actually win. I mean, I know I can win because I always win, and winning is, like, literally all I know how to do. But I’m just saying that now it seems like a much fairer fight.”

The president, when asked by reporters why he felt the need to add even further insult to McCain, when he’s spent the better part of a week bashing the deceased statesman already. Trump, pulling some KFC and a Big Mac hamberder from McDonald’s from a special drawer in his desk, laughed. The president laughed so hard he farted and blamed Sarah Huckabee Sanders for it.

“Bad girl, Sarah! Very bad Sarah! Anyway,” Trump said, pivoting back to the question of why he was continuing his campaign against a dead man. “It’s not enough to metaphorically spit on a man’s grave, I want to pummel that non-war hero!”

The president said he envisions an “all-out, no holds barred, grab ’em by the pussy” kind of fight. Trump indicated, however, after thinking about it more, that he’d like one simple rule instituted. Farting again, he explained the rule.

“McCain doesn’t get to use the knife Lindsey Graham keeps sticking in his back,” Trump said. “Fists only.”

The McCain family could not be reached for comment.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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