Trump Challenges John McCain to Fist Fight

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the last several days, President Donald Trump has increased his hostile, combative, insulting, and demeaning rhetoric toward the late Senator John McCain, culminating in him telling reporters he’s “never been a fan of John McCain” and he “never will.” President Trump has indicated that he feels personally hurt and offended that McCain was the one who helped broker the handing off of Christopher Steele’s notorious dossier that held quite salacious claims about Trump and his activities in Russia. Making matters worse, when McCain died last year, President Trump was specifically not invited to attend.

“I’m telling you, that makes me feel so pissed on,” Trump told reporters this morning. “Thinking about how McCain did me like that. It just makes me fee so very, very, very pissed on.”

Trump’s stinging remarks about McCain followed a weekend that saw him bashing the Vietnam veteran and war hero on Twitter on more than one occasion.

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

Spreading the fake and totally discredited Dossier “is unfortunately a very dark stain against John McCain.” Ken Starr, Former Independent Counsel. He had far worse “stains” than this, including thumbs down on repeal and replace after years of campaigning to repeal and replace!

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

So it was indeed (just proven in court papers) “last in his class” (Annapolis) John McCain that sent the Fake Dossier to the FBI and Media hoping to have it printed BEFORE the Election. He & the Dems, working together, failed (as usual). Even the Fake News refused this garbage!

Trump’s words did not go unnoticed by McCain’s daughter, Meghan. She blasted Trump not just on Twitter, but also on ABC’s The View, a day time talk show Ms. McCain cohosts. In a tweet, McCain questioned whether Trump spends any time with his family. She said that “no one will ever love” President Trump like people loved her late father.

Meghan McCain on Twitter

No one will ever love you the way they loved my father…. I wish I had been given more Saturday’s with him. Maybe spend yours with your family instead of on twitter obsessing over mine? https://t.co/q7ezwmHiQ4

It would appear that the president hasn’t quite finished with his feud, however. Despite a poll showing that more than 70% of Americans think McCain would win, today President Trump issued a stunning challenge to the former Arizona Senator and alive human being. The president wants to have fisticuffs with McCain, as soon as is humanly possible.

“I hereby, using my official powers as God Emperor President, challenge John McCain to a fist fight. Let’s settle this thing,” Trump announced. “I want to challenge him, mano-a-tiny-mano.”

Citing the difference in the pair’s states of alive-ness, Trump said he thinks he might, finally, have the upper hand.

“Before, every time I’d think about challenging him to a fight, my bone spurs would act up like crazy,” Trump admitted. “Now, though? I’m pretty sure I could actually win. I mean, I know I can win because I always win, and winning is, like, literally all I know how to do. But I’m just saying that now it seems like a much fairer fight.”

The president, when asked by reporters why he felt the need to add even further insult to McCain, when he’s spent the better part of a week bashing the deceased statesman already. Trump, pulling some KFC and a Big Mac hamberder from McDonald’s from a special drawer in his desk, laughed. The president laughed so hard he farted and blamed Sarah Huckabee Sanders for it.

“Bad girl, Sarah! Very bad Sarah! Anyway,” Trump said, pivoting back to the question of why he was continuing his campaign against a dead man. “It’s not enough to metaphorically spit on a man’s grave, I want to pummel that non-war hero!”

The president said he envisions an “all-out, no holds barred, grab ’em by the pussy” kind of fight. Trump indicated, however, after thinking about it more, that he’d like one simple rule instituted. Farting again, he explained the rule.

“McCain doesn’t get to use the knife Lindsey Graham keeps sticking in his back,” Trump said. “Fists only.”

The McCain family could not be reached for comment.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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