Trump Appoints Himself CEO of TikTok

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s no big secret on the Hill that President Donald Trump is not a fan of TikTok. In fact, that could be quite the understatement, given that Trump has ordered that the video sharing social media app owned by a Chinese company be banned from U.S. mobile devices if a deal to sell the company to an American firm isn’t reached by next month.

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TikTok first put itself in the president’s sights when it was reported that fans of Korean pop music might have used the app to organize trolling the Trump campaign. Reportedly, thousands of TikTok users signed up to receive tickets to the disastrous Tulsa, Oklahoma Trump rally (the same event that could have cost Republican businessman Herman Cain his life), but then never showed up. The event was largely considered one of the president’s most embarrassing moments in a year resplendent with shame.

Today, President Trump made his boldest move regarding TikTok. In a play that will surely be challenged in court, Trump declared himself the new CEO of TikTok. He promised to “end the threat of viral dance videos” and clips mocking him “as quickly as [he] knows how.”

“As you all know, bringing down TikTok is one of my administration’s top priorities. Especially in the middle of a pandemic,” Trump announced, “it’s vital that I focus all my energies on a tech platform that a lot of people use to hurt my presidential feelings, which is, according to Billy Barr, the most violent assault on the Executive Branch ever.”

Trump said that the plan is for him to “run TikTok like Trump Steaks, the Trump Taj Mahal, and Trump University.”

“In other words, right the fuck into the ground,” Trump said, smiling, “as per my usual. Then I claim it all as a big loss and duck taxes for a decade. What better way to drive them out of business than for me to try to make it profitable? Very legal, and very cool stuff.”

It was rumored that Microsoft might potentially view themselves as a bidder for TikTok, but it’s unclear at this time what the status of that business deal might be. TikTok presumably is feeling the pressure of the weight of the U.S. federal government, and last week sister publication Alternative Facts published a report that they were considering some rather drastic measures to escape Trump’s ire. Namely, they decided to change their branding and become “COVID-19” in the hopes that the president would ignore them like he’s ignoring the pandemic.

“He ignores COVID-19. He doesn’t ignore us,” TikTok Jr. Deputy Spokesperson Cheryl Terwilliger told reporters today, “so, it’s really not much more complicated than that. We want the president to leave our private company alone, and clearly since Republicans don’t actually care about the free market anymore, we were left with fewer and fewer options to get him off our jocks.” (AltFacts)

In a truly ironic twist, the Trump campaign also rolled out a new video app designed for the president’s supporters to share clips of themselves lighting lowercase Trump T’s, storming Michigan’s government buildings to demand the governor by lynched, and other fun, cute moments with each other. The new app is called “TikiTok” and the president seems quite excited about what it could mean for his campaign.

Trump is hoping that TikiTok provides his supporters a chance to “hold virtual klanpaign rallies” as the coronavirus is still forcing most states to discourage or outright ban large gatherings of people.

“I know that my MAGAs prefer to gather in large groups, under the warmth of a big ol’ flaming T — you know, for TRUMP, but these are very different times,” Trump said, “so we gotta take what we can get. And right now, we can get an app. I hope all my very fine people download and use it!” (AltFacts)

President Trump has set a deadline of September 15th for the sale of TikTok to an American company.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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