President Trump Asks if He Can Command Navy With Battleship Board Game Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Seeming to acknowledge some issues in keeping track of the U.S.S. Carl Vinson’s whereabouts, President Donald Trump asked his staff today if he’s “allowed to use that Battleship game” to direct fleet movement instead of the various systems of communication developed and used by every other president in history.

Trump has come under heavy scrutiny in some circles over his statement last week that the U.S. was sending an “armada” to the Korean peninsula. Included in that armada would have been the Carl Vinson, but that battleship was not in fact on its way to Korea at the time. This discordant and apparently discombobulated messaging from the Navy and the White House is troublesome to many, and that is why aides say that Mr. Trump wanted to simplify things “bigly.”

“I’ve asked my top people, who are of course the best people to ever work in the White House many people tell me,” Trump announced in the Rose Garden, “to look into the possibility of me using the very popular, very awesome board game Battleship to command the navy. Much simpler, folks, much simpler.”

President Trump insisted that while he has “the biggest and bestest brain of any president,” he still feels it’s necessary to make things easier for him to comprehend and therefore make decisions on the fly. He said that once he’s given the go-ahead, his knowledge of ship placements will be much better.

“You just gotta tell me if North Korea is in J-7 or A-9, is all,” Trump told reporters.

Fox News host Sean Hannity told his radio listeners that this is “one of the biggest, boldest, brightest” ideas any commander in chief has come up with.

“I just love this,” Hannity said, “it shows he’s willing to keep it simple, Stupid. The simpler the better. Only Hollywood Liberal Elites want you to actually use strategy and modern technology to move our ships around. But the American people elected a truly strong and brave man, who can admit when it’s time to dumb things, way, way, way down. Dumber is more patriotic anyway, isn’t it? I think so. Now, I’m going to pick my nose for five minutes and then day dream about sucking Don’s dick some more.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said that he has concerns about the plan, but ultimately he trusts Trump.

“Well, maybe trust is the wrong word,” Ryan said, “and a better way to say it is that I’m ignoring all the crazy shit so I can focus on gutting the social safety net?”

Ryan paused for reflection.

“Yeah, that’s definitely it,” Speaker Ryan followed-up, “I’m ignoring the crazy shit so I can focus on dicking over the poor. Like Republicans do. You get it.”

No one from the Navy responded to requests for comments.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This