As Soon As Trump Is President, Career Criminal Promises To Stop Breaking The Law

GRAND GULCH, ARIZONA — Future historians may disagree on the relevance and impact of Donald J. Trump’s acceptance speech at the 2016 Republican National Convention. Michael McMichelson, however, will not.

“You know, I’ve been a criminal my entire life,” Mr. McMichelson told us, “but that’ll all stop once Donald J. Trump is president, I promise you that.”

trumpyMichael told us that while he’s spent decades at this point breaking laws regarding theft and robbery, he will give all that up once Trump is sworn-in as president. He said that the speech was so convincing of the fact that Trump, and only Trump, could bring down crime that he knew his days of a criminal were numbered. He’s not sure what his next career will be. However, McMichelson knows that once Trump is “the top dog on the porch,” no criminal will be free to break laws.

“You can just tell by looking at Trump that he’s a serious, well-educated, highly-trained legal mind,” McMichelson said, “or at least given my eighth grade education he’s all those things. So I don’t see how any criminal is going to get away with breaking the law once Sheriff Trump’s in charge.”

Independent fact-checkers have been quick to point out that crime has been on the decline for years in the United States. This fact didn’t seem to phase Mr. McMichelson one bit. He still feels a Trump presidency is the only way Americans can truly end crime.

“Hell, I know crime is at all-time lows right now, but I tell you what,” Michael insisted, “Trump might just be the guy to completely end the idea of crime whatsoever!” Michael said that to him, even though the country has seen a significant decline in crime over the last couple of decades, in his view it’s only because “all along Trump has been here, watching us like an orange, douchey Batman.”

Michael did admit though that “it’s hard to have crime when you don’t have laws after your republic falls because your president ran your country like he’s run one of the handful of companies he’s taken into bankruptcy, but well, you know.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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