WASHINGTON, D.C. — An irate President Trump lashed out violently this morning, throwing a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke through a window in the Oval Office, and screaming for everyone to get out and let him have some “Don-Don Maddy-Mad time.”
As staff and advisers exited the Oval, Trump could be heard shouting as he reached for his phone to tweet.
“IF I CAN’T GET INTO IVANKA’S PANTS I DON’T KNOW WHY THE HELL I AM PRESIDENT,” Trump angrily bellowed into the ether.
Before Trump got so mad, he and his daughter Ivanka had been discussing her now defunct clothing line. Ms. Trump had brought one of the last things she had designed for her line — a pair of trousers she called “Presidential Pantaloons,” featuring the numbers “4” and “5” on each buttock of the pants, which also only came in pure white or deep orange. Trump was delighted when she showed them to her father, however, he didn’t understand when she told him they were just mockups and not pants for him to try on.
The president jumped up, grabbed the mockup pants from his daughter, and immediately took the pants he was wearing right off.
“Ahh. Much better, gotta let Super Little Donny out of his cage from time to time,” Trump said.
But try as he might, President Trump couldn’t seem to get the pants onto his legs.
“These aren’t fitting Vanky! Why come? You said they were my pants,” Trump said. “Jesus Shitting Christ, Vanky, no wonder your clothing line is strugging if you can’t even make pants that fit someone with a very perfect body like mine!”
That’s when Ms. Trump told her father her clothing line had been shuttered.
“WHAT? NO FUCKING WAY! NO ONE CONSULTED ME! WHO SHUT DOWN MY BEAUTIFUL SEXY BABY GIRL’S BUSINESS,” Trump shouted. “I DEMAND TO KNOW, USING MY OFFICIAL POWERS OF PRESIDENTIFYING AND PRESIDENTIALATION!”
It was explained to Trump that his daughter’s line become a toxic brand after his inauguration, wasn’t selling too well to begin with, and when major retailers started dropping it, Ivanka decided to close it down instead.
“NOPE. NOT ON MY WATCH! I HEREBY ORDER VANKY BABY’S FASCIST — excuse me, that’s a Freudian slip — FASHION LINE RE-OPEN, AND WORTH SEVEN QUADRILLION DOLLARS,” Trump said, reaching for a crayon to write the order.
Chief of Staff John Kelly stopped him, and told him that in America’s free market, capitalist society, presidents couldn’t just order a business to be successful. That’s when the president lost his temper.
At the time of publication, the Secret Service was seen shoveling KFC and sedatives down the most powerful man in the world’s throat.