Trump Cancels Remaining Campaign Stops But Will Keep Trash Fire Burning Outside Trump Tower Until Election Day

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — With less than a month to go before the General Election is held, Donald Trump announced that he was going to cancel his remaining campaign stop schedule, and instead set a large pile of garbage on fire in front of his Trump Tower apartment building for the remainder of the election season.

“I’m going to keep fighting to make America great again,” Trump said at an early morning press conference, “but I ran the numbers and it’d be much better for us financially, if I stopped spending so much on travel expenses. And besides, looking at the polls…YOWZA!”

Mr. Trump told the assembled reporter pool that “even Republicans can do the math” on recent polling data and conclude his campaign “is a total abortion of a shit show” and he said it wouldn’t do any good to “deny the truth” anymore.

“Why hide it anymore? Why deny the truth? It won’t do any good,” Trupm said, adding, “This campaign has been in a free fall since the first debate. Then between the Trump Tapes and the second debate, it became apparent we were already a metaphor for a garbage fire. We’re going to turn into the spin and just embrace it.”

The Trump team decided that if they were going to stop campaigning in different states, that they still needed some sort of symbol for their supporters. Trump said the last thing he or any of his staff wanted to do is have people who plan to vote for him think he’s given up. So, they came up with the idea of the garbage fire.

“Think of it like the Olympic torch,” Trump said, “except instead of being a beacon of unity and athletic superiority, it’s a sign of white nationalism and economic stupidity.” He added that the garbage was a “perfect metaphor for our campaign and our ideology.”

In a moment of rare transparency, Trump even admitted that within his own camp, the writing is on the wall, and they’ve begun to accept it as reality.

“Fivethirtyeight is currently giving us a 13% of winning,” the orange-tinted alleged-business tycoon said. He added, “This shit is over, over, over. So why waste more money and time when I can get almost the same exact message across simply by piling as much filthy, putrid garbage that I can find in front of my Trump Tower and lighting it on fire?”

Trump vowed to keep the garbage fire burning twenty-four hours a day until the election is held. He said that if they run out of garbage, they’ll just take old copies of Rush Limbaugh’s radio shows and Sean Hannity’s TV shows and set them alight. Should they run out of those, they’ll simply light a few of the books Trump finds offensive on fire.

Spokespeople for the Hillary Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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