Trump Campaign Files For Chapter 11

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — According to several news outlets, the Donald J. Trump presidential campaign is in deep financial trouble. Now anonymous sources with Team Trump are signaling that the alleged billionaire will be instructing his staff to prepare Chapter 11 bankruptcy filings for the campaign operation. While some on The Hill say this is a disastrous sign, Trump’s camp is attempting to spin the move as “a pivot to something Mr. Trump is tremendously well acquainted with.”

“If there’s one thing Donald Trump knows,” one source told us, “it’s the financial failure of an operation with his name on it. Why should a presidential campaign be any different than the businesses he ran into the ground on multiple occasions?” The same source said that while it would be “really easy and understandable” to presume that Trump’s comfort levels with Chapter 11 bankruptcy mean he’s a “shitty, no good businessman,” he and his team believe it shows he “gets tons and tons of chances” after failing “over and over again,” which they said makes Trump “just like the rest of us.”

When one reporter asked another aide why Trump doesn’t just dip into his sizable personal fortune to cover any fundraising shortfalls, the Trump staffer laughed nervously.

“Because, um, well,” the staffer hemmed and hawed, “maybe he doesn’t have quite the yooge fortune he’s told people he’s had. Also, because Chapter 11 is his favorite chapter in every book he’s ever read from The Cat In The Shitty Hat That Looks Like Terrible Hair to Oh The Places You’ll Go With That Silver Spoon In Your Mouth.

Having his campaign file for Chapter 11 isn’t the only new development for Mr. Trump either. One source extremely close to him says that Trump will begin filming the rest of the campaign as part of a reality TV show that will air next year entitled, “Keeping Up With the Douchey, Orange-Skinned Fuckwit,” which will air on BravoTV. Campaign finance and election laws prohibit the show from airing while Trump is a presidential candidate, but the staffer who leaked word of the show said that Trump’s polling and fundraising is so abysmal at the moment that the show is slated for a premiere date of Wednesday, November 9th, 2016 — literally the day after the election.

“It’s not impossible for him to win,” a Trump staffer’s email to various media outlets said, “but let’s face facts — he is more hated than cancer, and more reviled than AIDS. If AIDS and cancer had a baby, that baby would be Donald Trump and literally no one wants to give money to CancerAIDS to be president, much less for CancerAIDS to BE president. If Trump wins, not only will I eat my hat, it will happen because the majority of people with more than a synapse or single brain cell left stayed home or couldn’t find their polling place.”

Current polling shows Donald Trump being absolutely manhandled in the General Election by Hillary Rodham Clinton.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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