Trump Camp: Melania Will Deliver New, Never Heard Before ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech

CLEVELAND, OHIO — The Donald J. Trump presidential campaign has announced that Mr. Trump’s wife Melania will be delivering a second, previously unscheduled speech at the Republican National Convention. The speech is being called a “mulligan” by Trump staffers and it is being hailed “completely fresh,” and “totally unique” as well as “never been heard anywhere before.”

The title of Mrs. Trump’s speech will be “I Have A Dream.”

“Of course we all know Melania writes her own speeches, and they’re the best speeches,” Mr. Trump told reporters Tuesday morning outside a coffee shop in Cleveland, “but we want to put all the silly rumors of her plagiarism to rest. So we’re giving her a mulligan. If you’re rich and play a lot of golf like me, you know that a mulligan is when the Skipper would let Gilligan sit down and think about what he’d just done, you know, mull it over, and try again.”

While unscheduled, Trump said that Melania’s second speech had been “in the works” for several weeks.

“Melania has been locked away in our guest room watching YouTube videos of old speeches,” Trump said, “for inspiration and NOTHING else. She told me the other day she had two speeches in mind for last night.” One speech, Trump said was the one she delivered that seemed to lift significant passages from Michele Obama’s 2008 speech, and the other was the speech that she’ll be delivering at some point this week before the convention wraps up.

The focus of the second speech, Trump said, will be on her “vision of an America where everyone is equal.”

“And of course by equal,” Trump said with an ear-to-ear grin, “we mean to say that certain Americans who believe in a certain religion and have a certain lack of a certain pigment in their skin will be just a little more equal than everyone else. Of course.”

The Trump campaign has signaled that if Melania’s “I Have A Dream” speech goes over well, they will most certainly be letting her speak more on the campaign trail.

“Melania has written all kinds of powerful speeches in the last few months,” Trump said as he was taking a bite of a doughnut, “she’s got that talks about four score and seven years ago. She’s got another that talks about how there are small steps for man, but giant leaps for mankind. And my favorite speech of hers that she has written all by herself is the one where she thanks Yankee fans for loving her, despite her having to quit the game early because of the mysterious disease she has contracted, and she says she’s the luckiest man on the face of the earth. That’s a friggin’ great speech!”

In a response to a request for an interview, Mrs. Trump emailed us a handful of comments from other First Ladies and told us to “Pick one.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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