WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump and most of his cabinet boarded a massive, gold plated, private jet airliner. The Trump administration wasn’t headed oversees, and there was no announcement of any maintenance issues with Air Force One. As they were boarding the jet, the press pool assigned to the White House began asking questions.
Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price, seeing the reporters, gathered the president and a couple of other cabinet officials and began explaining the situation to the press pool.
“We’re going to take this gold plated jet and race it around the lower forty-eight states,” Price said, beaming, “and we’ve got all kinds of side bets on how fast we can make the loop. Gonna be a real swell time!”
Price then boarded the plane, lighting hundred dollar bills on fire, and dropping them down at his feet to walk on like kings trod upon roses.
“Doesn’t this look like it’s going to be such a blast? I know the American people knew when we told them we’d be making America great again, that they were anticipating worthless, stupid, expensive stunts like this one,” EPA head Scott Pruitt told reporters just before he took out a big satchel marked with MONEY FROM THE TAX COFFERS that he loaded onto a big catapult and flung up into the air. Pruitt then asked a member of the president’s marine detail to shoot the bag of money out of the sky, raining shredded bits of cash down on everyone.
That’s when Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin was seen about to board the plane. The press pool stopped him just before he and his
trophy wife got onboard. They asked him where the money for the jet charter came from. Mnuchin grinned.
“The taxpayers, of course,” Mnuchin said matter of factly, “Because displays of patriotic pride, such as taking a gold plated chartered jet and circling the lower forty-eight with it are exactly the kinds of things Americans take the most pride in.”
Budget Director Mick Mulvaney was spotted coming out of the airport terminal and heading toward the jet. Reporters stopped him and asked if there was a sudden surplus of tax funds that would allow the Trump administration to so freely spend it on racing a gold plated jet around the country. Mulvaney laughed.
“No, not at all,” Mulvaney said.
The pool asked where the funds were going to come from to pay for the jet ride. Mulvaney shrugged.
“I don’t know. Meals on Wheels? Medicare? Social Security? Do I look like someone who has that many fucks to give about The Poors,” Mulvaney asked rhetorically.
As President Trump himself was boarding the plane, reporters stopped him and asked why it was necessary to do this now, with Puerto Rico still in a state of disaster trying to recover from a devastating hurricane. Trump laughed.
“We’re rich white men,” Trump said, “when the hell have we ever had to have solid reasoning to do something? Never, in this country. And anyone who tells you otherwise is FAKE NEWS!”
Just as the doors were about to close, a reporter was able to ask Trump why, exactly they were making this trip.
“Shits and giggles,” Trump said, “what do you care, loser? WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Speaker Paul Ryan later said he was “shock and almost appalled enough to do something about it” when he found out about the jet charter. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell simply wiped six gallons of fluid from his giant eyes and tucked himself back up into his shell. No one from Gold Jets, Inc. was available to take our call.