Trump Pledges to ‘Buy American Wives and Hire American Prostitutes’ From Now On

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference today, the White House announced that President Donald Trump will extend his administration’s new slogan, “Buy American, Hire American,” to include his own personal lifestyle choices. Just hours after signing a new executive order directing federal agencies to “Buy American, Hire Americans,” Trump said he’d be taking that exact same philosophy very much to heart.

“Folks, the last thing I want you to think is that I don’t think the rules apply to me,” Trump said, “although to be totally fair and honest, my attorneys tell me that’s pretty much true. I’m president now, which is pretty much like being King of America, and the rules really don’t apply to me. Like, if I wanted to sleep with a direct blood relative, even if there are laws against that, I can and will do it. What was I saying?”

Reince Priebus, Trump’s Chief of Staff, leaned over and whispered in the president’s ear.

“Oh, right,” Trump continued, “so with all that in mind, I’m pledging right here and right now to Buy American wives and hire American prostitutes to piss on me the rest of my tenure in the Oval Office.”

Trump told reporters that in the past he felt patriotic, but it wasn’t until he became president that he realized how important it was to the economy to keep as many purchases domestic as possible.

“I buy a lot of things,” Trump said, “and I probably buy more wives and piss whores than anyone I know. If I had known that my penchant for continental poontang and pee-pee parties would cause such issues, I’d have kept all my spousal and piss whore purchases domestic, local even! I know a really great piss whore monger on 4th up in Manhattan, and I’ll find a good local wife wholesaler here in D.C. for when Melania gets to frumpy and/or old for my tastes, believe you-me.”

In a written statement, Russian President Vladimir Putin decried the decision and said that he’d be “taking steps to convince Mr. Trump otherwise.”

“We are very sad to learn that the man who has single handedly sent so many of our best piss whores to college will no longer be propping up the Russian piss whore industry,” Putin’s statement reads, “but, we have some things that will help us in taking steps to convince Mr. Trump otherwise. He’ll change his mind, I’m almost certain of it.”

Budget director Mick Mulvaney took time away from throwing rocks at poor and elderly people to crunch the numbers and found that repatriating Trump’s urinating prostitute expenditures alone could fund NASA through the year 2178.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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