Trump Names Burning Cross, White Hood His Top Advisers

Published on

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Elect Donald J. Trump’s transition team is hard at work preparing to run the most powerful nation’s executive branch. Ever since Trump pulled off the upset victory of his life against Hillary Rodham Clinton, speculation has run rampant as to who he’d fill his team and ultimately his presidential cabinet of advisers with. Already names like John Bolton, Sarah Palin, and Jeff Sessions have been floated. Trump has also apparently been considering some unorthodox approaches to hiring his Secretary of Defense.

Now, word on the Hill is that Trump has made another pair of hirings for his transition team, and both are sure to bring more questions and controversy.

“I have asked this burning cross, and this white hood to join me in my inner circle,” Trump told reporters outside Trump Tower this week, “because I believe that they truly understand the vision that I laid out during my campaign.”

Mr. Trump was largely criticized during the election for using rhetoric that painted Muslims as terrorists, Mexican immigrants as rapists, murderers, and drug dealers, and retweeting crime statistics that have been debunked as racist and inaccurate. On Twitter, many of his most vocal and outspoken supporters have been documented sending antisemitic messages and threats to members of the media and racist hate speech toward minorities who don’t support Trump.

“The cross will stand as a lowercase T,” Trump said, “which of course stands for Trump. Notice I used a small letter. See? Humble. Nobody is more humble than me. I’m so fucking humble it could make your head spin. I’m so full of humility and I’m so down to earth I’ve earned incredible awards for it. Truly, I’m the most gracious and humble president to ever live.”




The white hood and burning Cross, the President elect said, will advise him on racial equality. It’s a subject, Mr. Trump said, that he doesn’t think “warrants too much attention” but that he’ll “pay nominal lip service to it, like any good Republican president does.”

“I don’t know, if you ask me, and you all should because of how friggin’ smart and humble I am,” Trump said, “the blacks don’t really have that much to complain about. Lynching is still illegal, for now, our people are looking into it as a way to cut court costs which saves a butt load of money for the taxpayers, but fine, for now, no lynchings. Also, no slavery. Again, for now. Our people are looking into what it would take to repeal the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments because they really just government bloat, aren’t they? But the point is, blacks complain too much, or something. What was I saying? Let’s go to Taco Bell.”

Donald Trump will become just the fifth person to hold the office of the presidency after having received fewer votes on aggregate than his opponent. Hillary Clinton received a larger margin of victory in the popular vote than Al Gore in 2000. That election was ultimately decided when the Supreme Court stopped further recounts in Florida, thus awarding the state’s Electoral College votes, and therefore the entire election, to George W. Bush. This ushered in the greatest, most prosperous period in American history…for Dick Cheney.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

Latest articles

Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can't...

I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

"...imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring...

What If Trump Uses Ivanka’s OnlyFans to Payoff His Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fines?

"...it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans...

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they'll tell you without batting a single eyelash...