Trump Names Burning Cross, White Hood His Top Advisers

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Elect Donald J. Trump’s transition team is hard at work preparing to run the most powerful nation’s executive branch. Ever since Trump pulled off the upset victory of his life against Hillary Rodham Clinton, speculation has run rampant as to who he’d fill his team and ultimately his presidential cabinet of advisers with. Already names like John Bolton, Sarah Palin, and Jeff Sessions have been floated. Trump has also apparently been considering some unorthodox approaches to hiring his Secretary of Defense.

Now, word on the Hill is that Trump has made another pair of hirings for his transition team, and both are sure to bring more questions and controversy.

“I have asked this burning cross, and this white hood to join me in my inner circle,” Trump told reporters outside Trump Tower this week, “because I believe that they truly understand the vision that I laid out during my campaign.”

Mr. Trump was largely criticized during the election for using rhetoric that painted Muslims as terrorists, Mexican immigrants as rapists, murderers, and drug dealers, and retweeting crime statistics that have been debunked as racist and inaccurate. On Twitter, many of his most vocal and outspoken supporters have been documented sending antisemitic messages and threats to members of the media and racist hate speech toward minorities who don’t support Trump.

“The cross will stand as a lowercase T,” Trump said, “which of course stands for Trump. Notice I used a small letter. See? Humble. Nobody is more humble than me. I’m so fucking humble it could make your head spin. I’m so full of humility and I’m so down to earth I’ve earned incredible awards for it. Truly, I’m the most gracious and humble president to ever live.”

The white hood and burning Cross, the President elect said, will advise him on racial equality. It’s a subject, Mr. Trump said, that he doesn’t think “warrants too much attention” but that he’ll “pay nominal lip service to it, like any good Republican president does.”

“I don’t know, if you ask me, and you all should because of how friggin’ smart and humble I am,” Trump said, “the blacks don’t really have that much to complain about. Lynching is still illegal, for now, our people are looking into it as a way to cut court costs which saves a butt load of money for the taxpayers, but fine, for now, no lynchings. Also, no slavery. Again, for now. Our people are looking into what it would take to repeal the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments because they really just government bloat, aren’t they? But the point is, blacks complain too much, or something. What was I saying? Let’s go to Taco Bell.”

Donald Trump will become just the fifth person to hold the office of the presidency after having received fewer votes on aggregate than his opponent. Hillary Clinton received a larger margin of victory in the popular vote than Al Gore in 2000. That election was ultimately decided when the Supreme Court stopped further recounts in Florida, thus awarding the state’s Electoral College votes, and therefore the entire election, to George W. Bush. This ushered in the greatest, most prosperous period in American history…for Dick Cheney.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This