Trump: “The Buck Stops With Bob Woodward”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The first president to use the phrase “The Buck Stops Here” in any significant way was Harry S. Truman, who famously had a sign on his desk with the phrase on one side, and “I’m from Missouri” on the other. It refers to when someone would “pass the buck” when trying to pin the responsibility for a decision — a common occurrence in politics if ever there was one — and instead taking the onus on one’s self. Mr. Truman may have been the first president to use that phrase and to quizzically defend freedom by literally nuking two cities and their civilian residents to end a war, but the current president is the most recent to use the phrase.

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Rather, a version of that phrase at the very least.

“I’m sorry, but the buck stops with Bob Woodward, not me. Sure, I lied about the virus and covered up how deadly it already was while I was still holding rallies,” President Donald Trump could be recently overheard shouting in the bathroom, according to several highly-placed sources, “Sean, it’s just more Nancy Pelosi hair salon Bob Mueller’s angry Peter Strozk’s lover AOC Squad left fake news that I’d be responsible for my own lies.”

The president was having a private conversation with Sean Hannity, Fox News host and 2017 Fuckfaces With Punchable Fuckfaces Weekly’s “Punchable Face of the Year” award winner. The president was complaining that so many people in the press and on social media were angry at him for lying to the American public about COVID-19’s seriousness at the outset of the outbreak. He said it was “very unfair for Woodward to go and blab” about his lies.

“You know who I’d really like to grab by their pussy? Whichever of those cuck founding fathers who came up with the bullshit freedom of the press thing,” Trump shouted. “Because, Sean, let me tell you, I cannot begin to explain how much more shit I’d be getting away with — sorry, accomplishing — if I didn’t have a free press printing my lies, failures, schemes, and law breaking, Sean!”

Ultimately, Trump told Hannity that Americans should be “way more worser mad at Woodward” than him, because he had information about “how fucking criminal and stupid” he was and held onto it to make sure it went into his book.

“If I’m such a nefariously incompetent fuckwit, why didn’t Bob Woodward personally stop me? Tell me that Sean,” Trump argued. “Yes, I lied to the American people, but Bob went all bitch on me and snitched. Real patriots will know who to blame, Sean, I believe it, but it still makes me so mad to have to deal with Woodward so meanly letting everyone hear my own words out of my own mouth!”

Hannity agreed that Trump had been wronged and suggested he have Woodward arrested in response.

“Not a bad idea Sean, my boy,” Trump said. “I’ll have Billy Barr look into that. If that tyrant Lincoln can suspend hay-b-us core-pussy or whatever, then I can tell the First Amendment to go fuck itself for another term or two, Sean. I’ll let you know what he says. Ivanka’s back with the McDonald’s and anal lube, so I gotta go, pal. Talk to you soon. Buh-bye now.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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