WASHINGTON, D.C. — Inside the Oval Office today, President Donald Trump’s staff was busy preparing him for the 2020 election.
Although votes will not be cast for over two years in his re-election bid, Trump is said to have been spooked by the onslaught of Democratic wins in special elections as of late. Most recently, a Pennsylvania Democrat in a heavily Republican district that went for Trump by 20 points has flipped the seat, albeit by a razor thin margin. President Trump is said to have been scared into wanting to prove his critics wrong and secure another term for himself. According to several sources within the administration, Trump has decided he needs to brush up on how the government he helps run actually works.
“President Trump knows that some Americans may doubt he knows a whole lot about the government, even though he’s the president of it,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said while dipping a sausage link into a nearby mason jar full of bourbon. “And he decided to show real leadership, so he hired a tutor to come in and start with a ground-up refresher course on civics and American government.”
Huckabee Sanders then called on President Trump to demonstrate his newfound knowledge.
“Okay, Mr. President, let’s start with the basics,” Huckabee Sanders said, putting down the plate of sausage and taking a big chug from the bourbon jar, belching as she finished. “That one’s for our Lord and Savior, baby! YEAH!”
Trump said he was ready to be quizzed, and Sanders began the examination.
“Sir, what document formed our government,” Sanders asked, the smell of sausage-y bourbon permeating the air.
Trump thought for a moment, then answered.
“The Constellation,” Trump said with certainty and pride.
“Sure, close enough, sir,” Huckabee said. “Now, here’s another one. Ready?”
Trump signaled he was ready.
“Okay, sir, what are the three branches of our government called,” Huckabee asked Trump.
The president stood there, silent. He scratched his head, then he scratched the head on top of his neck. Trump mumbled a bit, twiddled his fingers. Then, he snapped them and his eyes got wide, indicating he had an answer ready.
“The Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Mojito,” Trump said, beaming with pride. “Nailed it. Next.”
Huckabee clucked and shook her head.
“No, I’m sorry, Mr. President, let’s try that one more time,” Huckabee said.
“Oh, right, the branches of government, sorry, my bad,” Trump replied. “Oh, duh! That’s easy — Snap, Crackle, and Pop.”
Huckabee Sanders spit out some of the bourbon and sausage juice she was drinking. She again told her boss he needed to answer again. She told him to “think long and hard” and to take all the time he needed. That’s when Wayne LaPierre and Dana Loesche showed up, seeming to appear out of the air. They pulled President Trump into a broom closet for an hour and a half. When Trump emerged, he was once again smiling from ear to ear.
“Okay, Sarah, I got it now, put down your snack and ask me again,” Trump said.
Press Secretary Sanders sat the nacho cheese smothered Twinkie she’d been devouring down on its plate and again asked Trump for the three branches of U.S. government. Without hesitation, Trump answered.
“National, Rifle, Association,” Trump said.
“Perfect sir! You nailed it perfectly,” Sanders said. “But you didn’t answer in Russian, so I have to dock you a couple points.”