Trump Leads Boy Scouts Chant of “F*ck that C**t” About Hillary

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump spoke to the Boy Scout of America’s annual Jamboree — a gathering of scout trips from all across the country — yesterday, and as is his usual, made eyebrows raise.

Despite the president asking, “Who the hell wants to speak about politics when I’m in front of the Boy Scouts,” he did just that at several moments during his speech. Though the Boy Scout of America bylaws strictly prohibit scouts participating in political events beyond a flag ceremony, stating that scouts should not be in a “conspicuous location where television viewers could construe their presence as an endorsement or symbol of support,” Trump enthusiastically championed the end of Obamacare, and got the boys in attendance to boo the Affordable Care Act.

Trump told the Boy Scouts that he was hoping Senate Republicans would vote to allow debate to end Obamacare and  “start our path toward killing this horrible thing known as Obamacare that’s really hurting us.” Chants of “U-S-A! U-S-A!” erupted from the audience.

“Sure, they looked a lot like the Hitler Youth,” Boy Scouts of America Deputy Media Liaison Skip Richards told us, “But, neckerchiefs! So cute.”

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That’s when things took a more strident, angry, bitter tone. Trump told the scouts that they were “friggin’ lucky as shit” that he won and not “Crooked Hillary, the crookedest crook that ever crooked.” Wild cheers came from the scouts. Some started throwing their hands in the air as a salute to President Trump. Others simply screamed out, “Hail victory! Hail Trump!”

“Today is the day Donald Trump finally became President of the United States of America,” said CNN commentator Bill Samuels, “I mean he just commanded that podium and spoke with such authority!”

President Trump told the scouts that “after seven years of saying repeal and replace Obamacare” Republicans “have a chance to now do it.”

“They better do it. Hopefully they’ll do it,” Trump said.

After Trump finished his speech, he walked off stage briefly. But within moments he was back on stage, gesturing for the microphone to be turned back on. He said to “leave the friggin’ cameras off for this one.”

“Hey, you boys wanna have more fun,” Trump asked, “at Crooked Hillary’s expense?”

More shouts of “Hail Trump! Hail victory!” erupted from the scouts. More hand salutes started to pop-up. Trump said he’d “take that as a ‘Yes'” and then started a new chant, slowly, quietly, but building in volume and intensity.

“Fuck that cunt,” Trump chanted, “Fuck that cunt! Come on, everyone, you know the words! FUCK THAT CUNT! FUCK THAT CUNT!”

From throughout the crowd, young boys started shouting it right along with Trump. The president’s stubby fingers held like an orchestra conductor’s baton, he egged the scouts on further.

“Fuck that cunt! Lock her up,” Trump said, gesturing for them to follow, “Fuck that cunt! Lock her up! Fuck that cunt! Lock her up!”

Someone from the Boy Scouts of America leaned into the president’s ear. He whispered something to Trump. The D-List reality-TV star and failed mogul turned most powerful man in the world nodded.

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“Egghead McNerdFace here,” Trump said as laughs came up from the audience, “tells me that it’s wrong for me to do that. He said I should have you chant your motto instead. So, okay. Let’s do that.”

Trump smiled, winked to his administration officials on the dais with him, and then had the scouts chant anew.

“Be prepared! To luck her up! Be prepared! To call her a cunt,” Trump chanted for the next minute and a half.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Trump’s actions were “shocking and sad,” but “also totally okay because fuck Hillary Clinton and the Democrats.” McConnell said he was not happy with the “phrase-ology” that Trump used, but that “you gotta know the territory,” and “pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more.”

The Boy Scouts of America did not comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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