Trump Wants Boy Scouts to Maintain ‘Traditional Values’ and Treat Girls Like Future Sexual Conquests Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fueling the fires of controversy, President Donald Trump weighed in from the Oval Office this morning on the Boy Scouts of America’s announcement that they will officially start allowing girls to become Cub Scouts and eventually work their way up to Eagle — the highest level possible in the scouting program.

The move has touched off a firestorm of anger and condemnation from the right, with many, like the Facebook page that caters to right-wingers who want to identify as “classical liberals” instead of conservatives despite holding conservative beliefs, condemning this as political correctness gone awry.

“I think it’s a bigly disgrace what the Boy Scouts are doing here, bigly disgrace,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning, “and I think the scouts should always reflect, upstanding, clean, American values. Traditional values.”

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Asked for detail, Trump clarified his position.

“I’m just saying that back in my day, boys were raised to be men, and and girls were raised to be docile, willing sex slaves,” Trump said, “and look at all we accomplished in that time period! We won two world wars and put someone on the moon! Of course, life wasn’t all that great for urbans and women had no control over their vagina parts, but I’m not sure that those are bad things, to be honest, fam. But the point is that all those good things we had came about almost directly because we, as a society, equated women to dogs whose job it is to birth litters of puppies. Honestly.”

The president worries, he stated, that if the Boy Scouts start “treating girls like they’re truly equal,” society will break down completely. He warned that not teaching girls to be “subservient, docile lambs” will lead them to believing they can do whatever boys do. And that, President Trump said, is a “nightmare of true horror.”

“Just imagine a world where women are truly our equals,” Trump said with a shudder, “It’s a sad thing folks. And I have to wonder, will there be any pussy grabbing anymore? I don’t think I want to live in that America, frankly.”

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Trump suggested that if the Boy Scouts of America are going to allow females to join, that they make every effort to “maintain the values and customs” that he says keep the nation strong.

“Let the little broads in, that’s fine,” Trump conceded, “but make them do KP duty every night. Have them be the ones to clean everyone’s bunks. Make sure they don’t leave that scouting adventure feeling like they’re actually equal.”

Mr. Trump indicated that the Declaration of Independence provides him the ideological footing on which he rests this opinion of his.

“It says right in there,” Trump said, “that all men are created equal. It doesn’t say all women. So you know, if the Boy Scouts really wanted to be good Americans, clean Americans, ammo hoarding, Christofascist Americans, they’d stop all this nonsense and tell the tiny bitches to get packin’, know what I mean? Of course you do! Bip-bop-boop, PRESIDENT!”

The Boy Scouts of America could not be reached for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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