WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump, while watching Fox News in the Oval Office with his feet up on the Resolute Desk, a Diet Coke in one hand a freshly grabbed pussy in the other, spoke off the cuff to a handful of right-wing media outlets about Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s indictment of thirteen Russian nationals for various crimes stemming from and supporting the Kremlin’s effort to infiltrate and undermine the 2016 presidential election.

“Everyone is talking about how these Russian folks are all bad because they, like, attacked our elections, which are, I guess, like, the foundation and pillars of our entire government, or whatever,” Trump mused, stroking his chin and sipping from his Diet Coke. “But, let’s put the brakes on all these wild accusations. After all, what about Mueller’s team,  the alt-DOJ that came charging at these Russians, as you say, at the alt-Republicans? Do they have any semblance of guilt?”

Trump said that he has “condemned” the Russians who participated in the conspiracy, though his administration hasn’t officially imposed the bipartisan congressional sanctions that congress approved and he signed into law that are aimed at punishing Russia for their interference.

“I’ve condemned the election hackers. I’ve condemned many different groups. But not all of those people were bad hackers, believe me,” he said. “Some hacked the DNC and CROOKED HILLARY. Don’t they deserve, I don’t know, some kind of награда for that?”

President Trump continued to stick up for some Russians who may have been involved in hacking the elections.

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“You had many people in that group other than bad Russian hackers. Again, if they were working to get me, God Emperor and Savior Trump, elected, and working against the Democrats and CROOKED HILLARY, I would argue that they were actually working for America,” Trump said. “The press has treated them absolutely unfairly.”

Trump conceded that there were “bad apples” among the Russians indicted by Mueller, but that “both sides” of the indictment process had “some very fine people” among them.

“Yes, there were some bad apples in the hackers, and yes, there are fine patriotic people trying to investigate the interference,” Trump said. “You also had some very fine people on both sides.”

Trump said that because “many of those hackers were hacking to defeat CROOKED LYING KILLARY CLINTSTONED,” he can “sympathize” with them, and hopes that Mueller’s grand jury will be charitable to them.

“This week, we’re freaking out about Russia hacking the 2016 election. And I notice that the intelligence community is already warning us about this year’s mid-terms,” Trump said. “I wonder, is it 2020 next?”

Trump paused, reflecting.

“You know, you have to ask yourself, where does it stop,” Trump said. “I mean Mueller’s probe. Not the interference. If they keep helping me win, why should I care, know what I mean?”

You can read satire like this on Alternative Facts and The Political Garbage Chute.

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