WASHINGTON, D.C. — The world is mourning the loss of one of its most renowned and brilliant minds, Dr. Stephen Hawking. The famed physicist passed away earlier today, which happens to be the birth date of Albert Einstein, after a battle against ALS that lasted decades past his initial prognosis. Dignitaries and colleagues from the realm of scientific research have been pouring out the tributes and obituaries to a man who many considered to be the smartest human on Earth.
In the Oval Office this morning, President Donald Trump paid tribute to Dr. Hawking in a way befitting his normal sensitivities.
“Yes, very sad that he died, I really liked his books very much, especially the one about the psychotic clown who drags everyone down into the sewer with him,” Trump said. “After being reminded by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders that it was not Stephen King who had died, but Hawking, Trump nodded as if he understood. “Oh, right the…guy.”
Trump did his trademark impression of physically disabled people to describe Hawking. Huckabee Sanders smiled and nodded, bacon grease dripping from her chin. Trump continued to speak to the representatives of Breitbart and InfoWars that were in the room.
“A lot of people are sad about him dying, and I’m sad too. Then again, honestly, I’m also bigly excited,” Trump declared. “Because when he died, that moved everyone up a spot on the World’s Smartest people list.”
Trump explained that the World’s Smartest People list is maintained by an international governing body that is headquartered in Zurich, and that every year he has waited with anticipation to see where his “very good brain” would land him on the list.
“And for thirty years I’ve watched my rival Dr. Stephen Hawking take home the top prize, which baffles me because even though he developed theories that explained astrophysical phenomena, I have buildings with my NAME on them, so I don’t get why they don’t weigh that more heavily than some book nerd shit,” Trump explained.
With Hawking now passed on, Trump said he as “skyrocketed bigly” on the list, and is “headed for the top.”
“This is bigly exciting for me! I just got sent the updated list since Hawking died,” Trump said, waving a piece of paper that looked enormous in his hands. “And there I am! I shot way, way, way up!”
Trump handed the list to the reporters.
“See? There I am! Number 6,999,999,999 with a bullet,” Trump said, pride dripping from his voice.
Dr. Stephen Hawking was 76 years old.