NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When Fox News host Tucker Carlson watched President Donald Trump take off his eclipse viewers and stare directly at the sun earlier this week, he was clearly impressed. On his show that night, Carlson called Trump’s actions “perhaps the most impressive thing any president has ever done,” despite the president’s own aides audibly shouting “Don’t look!” at him.
This morning, the White House announced that Trump had decided to pour himself a massive glass of bleach and drink it. Reportedly, someone had been talking to Trump about an executive order he wanted to sign, and which aides were desperate to get him to not sign, and one staffer likened signing the order to drinking bleach. Even Barack Obama wouldn’t drink bleach, the staffer said.
“Oh, Obama the Black wouldn’t do it, huh,” Trump asked, “Well, watch this shit then, bitches.”
Trump reportedly went to a utility closet in the White House and retrieved a bottle of bleach the cleaning staff uses to wash the sheets in the Lincoln bedroom whenever the president has his “special Russian ladies of the night who like to piss on things” for a visit. Mr. Trump opened the bottle and poured about an ounce or two of it into his nearby Coca-Cola. Raising the mug in salute to those in the room, Trump reportedly slugged the bleach back in one shot.
“Ahhh, see? Totally fine,” Trump said, “and that black motherf-”
Suddenly, Trump began throwing up all over the Oval Office. First he vomited on the desk. Then he vomited in Kellyanne Conway’s face, which everyone agreed actually made her more warm and personable. Then Trump puked on the windows that face outside, covering them in the contents of his stomach — six buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and twelve cokes. Doctors rushed to the president and pumped his stomach to make sure all the bleach was gone.
“You shouldn’t have done that sir,” one doctor told Trump, “drinking bleach is extremely dangerous. You’re lucky you vomited all over the Oval Office like you’ve metaphorically vomited all over our country and the institutions of its democracy, sir.”
Word reached Tucker Carlson of the incident, and he promised to have a rundown of it on his show tonight. He also called it “impressive” and said that it was proof Trump is “brave, bold, and decisive, as long as his bone spurs aren’t acting up.”
“This is incredible, truly incredible,” Carlson told Rush Limbaugh during a call-in he did to Limbaugh’s show this morning, “and this president just keeps proving how much stronger he is than Blacky McDemocrat! This has to be the second most impressive thing any president has ever done. First was the eclipse thing, of course, and second is this. Probably a way, way distant third is Lincoln freeing the slaves and preserving the union.”
“Sure it’s stupid and dangerous,” Limbaugh said, “but look how brave our Dear President was!”