WASHINGTON, D.C. — Moments after addressing the nation in the wake of the largest mass shooting in American history, President Donald Trump told the press pool back in the Oval Office he puts “a bigly amount of the blame” for the shooting on his predecessor, Barack Obama.
“I mean, I love guns and would never confiscate a single one,” Trump told reporters, “not even from someone convicted of terrorism or domestic violence. Because I know guns are harmless tools of benevolence. But previous black administrations were all about taking away your guns, remember? And apparently they missed this guy’s guns. So you know, who do you blame now, America?”
Trump said that while he finds the shooting “tragic and bigly sad,” there’s “clearly nothing that can ever be done about mass shootings, ever.”
“We all know that there are just some problems you can’t fix and should never try fixing,” Trump said, “You know, like cancer, AIDS, and gun violence.”
The president indicated that while he is not in favor of adding any new restrictions on gun ownership, he was still “very disappointed” to find out President Obama had failed to confiscate “a single gun” from Stephen Paddock, the man who opened fire on the crowd. Trump said it was “typical of that kind of person, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WINK WINK!”
“If they aren’t going to do anything about their own problems in Chicago,” Trump said, “and by ‘they’ of course I mean, you know, urbans, why would we assume one of them would do anything to prevent this senseless tragedy? Would it have killed Obama to take away this guy’s guns too? Jeez, leave it to a Democrat to not do ANYTHING right.”
President Trump floated a possible reason for why Obama “may have been negligent and too incompetent to finish what he started,” as well.
“Look, all I’m saying is that a president who was born in America wouldn’t have quit before the job was done,” Trump said, “so take that however you want. But I’m just saying…that Blacky McBlackblack prolly wasn’t born in America. Prolly.”
Trump suggested that victims of the shooting should be “way more madder at Obama” than they are at lawmakers who have not moved any significant piece of gun control legislation through Congress in decades.
“Just think about it guys,” Trump said, “if Obama had just done what we warned everyone he was going to do and taken away everyone’s guns, would this have happened? I don’t think so. Then again, I rarely think so, I don’t know. Whatever. I’m in way over my head and a clearly incompetent stooge but my supporters don’t care because they just wanted to stick it to the dumb libs who were all like, ‘Stop treating every person of color like either a thug criminal or a drug dealing, rapist immigrant.’ So anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Black Democrat McGee’s fault. Get it? Got it? Good.”
Former President Obama could not be reached for comment on this story.