Trump Wants To Institute ‘Severed But Also Equivalent’ Black Constitution

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — After suggesting on the campaign trail that his administration would push for instituting a nationwide policy of “stop and frisk,” alleged billionaire and President-Elect Donald Trump continued his attempt at African-American outreach.

The Republican told reporters outside his Trump Tower home that he would like Congress to consider drafting and ratifying a new Constitution for the United States. However, this new constitutional document wouldn’t replace the current Constitution. Instead, Trump says it would be only for black citizens and it would be “severed but also equivalent” to the version that everyone else would live under.

“I’ve been thinking long and hard,” Trump said, “so since about five minutes ago. And what I realized is that from the very beginning, with the 60% compromise or whatever, is that black people have always been treated differently. We had to amend our whole constitution to make slavery outlawed because of — excuse me — for them. There’s always been so much tension between blacks and Americans, so I want to do something to release that tension.”

Trump said he and his race relations adviser David Duke came up with a “fantastic and wonderful” idea over pizza, shared with two forks.

“We just need a severed but also equivalent version of the Constitution,” Trump said, beaming, “you know, for black people.”

The “Apprentice” star told the media that seeing the conservative backlash against San Francisco 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick further inspired him. Trump said he knew that for “white people to be okay with how black people exercise their rights” some new restrictions should probably be placed on freedom of speech, but just on black people.

“You know, for their own good,” Trump said with an ear-to-ear smile.

Trump said that his “favorite Aryan princess,” The Blaze host Tomi Lahren, has made some “good points recently” and that he feels the First Amendment needs a little tweaking. He said that he was initially leaning toward forcing black people to fill out an employment history before expressing themselves so that white people know if the black protester ever took money from a white person, thereby negating anything they’re protesting.

However, Trump said that he and Duke decided it would be much easier to get a “disunited but parallel” black constitution, rather than focus on changing the current one, though he did hint that some changes would be coming there down the line as well.

“All I’m saying is that we’ve had so much racial tension and strife, and not even the Civil War could quell it,” Mr. Trump bellowed, “so why not change things up? Why not say that we’re better than that, and we can find a way to coexist. To me, that way of coexisting is to say to black people, ‘You obviously can’t live under our rules, so here are your own, partitioned but correspondent set of rules, and we’ve only made a couple of changes.”

Reporters asked what the main differences are between the current Constitution and his proposed Black Constitution.

“They’re going to be virtually the exact same document,” Trump said, “except with a lot of the fat cut out. You know, the extra amendments and stuff.”

Pushing for more details, members of the media wanted to know which amendments specifically would change.

“Oh, you know, we just made it easy and lopped off everything after the 10th,” Trump said, “and of course thanks to my good friend Wayne LaPierre we remembered that we should probably take out the Second Amendment on that one too. For everyone’s safety, of course. So it’s just your basic Constitution with a nine amendment Bill of Rights that actually says freedom of speech is available once you’ve filled out your Speech and/or Expression permission slip. Told you, not much change at all, really…for white people. And isn’t that the point? Of course that’s the point.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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