President Trump Asks Bill O’Reilly to Become His New Head of Female Outreach

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has offered a new position to someone he called a “friend and fellow groper” today, according to several highly placed sources within the White House.

Reportedly, Trump offered former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly a position in charge of female outreach. Apparently, aides say Trump realizes he has to start winning over females if he wants to spend more than one term in office. A reputation as someone who is less than respectful of women, sources say, irks the president and he’s hoping bringing in a “solid guy like Bill” will help rebuild his image.

“Who knows more about dames, broads, and bitches than Bill,” Trump reportedly asked top ranking White House staffers, “I think this is a win-win. It gets Bill out into the public eye again, interacting the ladies. It’s like in baseball when a third basemen flubs a grounder; he wants the very next ball hit to him, so he can do it the right way.”

O’Reilly, should he take the job, would be asked to host several focus groups made up of only women. In order to “put the ladies at ease,” Trump said, O’Reilly will be the only man in the room, and the room will not be monitored electronically.

“You know,” Trump said, “so there’s no evidence — excuse me — invasion of these bitches’ privacy. Can you get more progressive and pro-women than that? I didn’t think so!”

Mr. O’Reilly has not indicated whether he will accept Trump’s offer. He is currently, according to his agent, considering an offer from Hooters to wash dishes for them. According to sources close to Mr. O’Reilly he is weighing options. O’Reilly has told confidantes that even though he “likes tits,” he sure he wants to “tarnish his image” associating with a “known sexist” like Trump. The president responded to questioning about O’Reilly’s comments with laughter.

“Bill’s a funny guy,” Trump said, “and that’s an inside joke between us. He calls me a sexist, I call him a sexual predator, and we have a big, fat laugh about it. Because you know, true stuff is always the funniest stuff.”

While he believes Mr. O’Reilly would do a “gooder job than most” in the position, Trump says he’s

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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