Trump: Bill Clinton’s Affairs “Embarrassing” Because “He Couldn’t Get Half The Quality Ass I Did”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Reeling from his disastrous first debate performance, Republican presidential nominee and alleged billionaire Donald Trump went on the offensive against his Democratic rival. In the days following the debate, Trump and his surrogates have been telling the press he deserves credit for not dragging up Hillary Clinton’s husband’s extramarital affairs. It would appear that Trump is now ready to wade fully into that arena

Political pundits have questioned the wisdom of Trump’s attacks on Bill’s sexual escapades. They say it drags up personal drama that is unrelated and irrelevant to Hillary Clinton’s ability to do her job. Many have also brought up the fact that Trump could inadvertently drag his own misogynistic history and reputation into the conversation, but Trump dismissed all of those suggestions late this week during a press conference.

“Bill Clinton’s affairs were terrible, just terrible,” Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower building, “And they really should embarrass both Bill and Hillary both. It says a lot about a woman that she’d stay with a man who did that to her over and over again, doesn’t it?”

Trump said that he could “totally understand and sympathize” with Mr. Clinton’s “innate male desire to spread his seed everywhere” because he himself has had numerous, well-documented affairs and has been quite boastful of his sexual dalliances, both while married and single. However, Mr. Trump said there was a “clear and obvious difference” between his affairs and and Clinton’s. Those differences, Trump insists, pertain to the “quality of ass” Clinton cheated on his wife with.

“I got way hotter women to let me schlong them,” Trump boasted, a beaming smile plastered across his orange face, “Even when I was married, guys, I was tapping way, way, way hotter ass than Bill could ever imagine.”

Citing his “vast wealth” and “enormous bank accounts,” Trump said he has “always had what it takes to compensate for [his] disgusting personality, obnoxious demeanor, and obviously stunted penis.” He said that makes him far better suited to “attract the finest of hineys” and the “top shelf poon-aroo that Bill only wishes he could sniff.” Ultimately, Trump says that Clinton’s prowess is “no match for [Trump’s] wallet, which is definitely filled with billions and billions and billions of dollars.”

“Let’s face it, folks,” Trump said with a cool smugness, “he couldn’t get half the quality ass I did…and do.”

Reporters peppered Trump with questions. They asked him if he thought his views were based solely on subjective standards of aesthetic beauty. Trump lashed out and said he didn’t know what “those fancy words like aesthetic mean” but that he knew for a fact that Bill’s sexual exploits “can’t hold a candle” to his own.

“I promise you,” Mr. Trump emphatically stated, “he’s never had one piece of ass hotter than my Ivanka. Never.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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