Trump Calls for ‘That Big Crack in Arizona’ to be Sold for Profit and Converted Into a Landfill

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Donald Trump signed an executive order to review 21 years worth of national park designations by the three previous presidential administrations. Experts say that the decision could lead to opening up thousands of acres of federally-protected land to development, and this morning as he left the White House to get his morning donuts, Mr. Trump seemed to signal that was exactly what his thinking is.

“Folks, we only live once, okay,” Trump stated as he was handed yet another executive order to sign, “and quite frankly we care way too much these days about the kind of planet we leave behind. That’s for our kids to decide. I mean that literally. My kids are going to be rulers of the entire world once I sign that particular executive order. Wait. What was I saying?”

Chief of Staff Reince Priebus leaned in and whispered in Trump’s ear.

“Oh, right, this executive order,” Trump continued, “will declare that the big crack in Arizona is to be converted at the earliest possible time to a landfill, and that it should then be sold off to the highest bidder.”

With a stroke of his crayon, Trump signed the order. He held it up for everyone to see, like a kindergarten student shows her parents the finger painting she just did. On the order was a picture of the Grand Canyon in a big red circle with a line drawn through it diagonally. There were also pictures of a bank and Steve Bannon’s face.

“See, we put these pictures here so I know what the orders are for,” Trump explained, pointing in succession to the pictures, “this one means the big crack, this one means sold, and this one means garbage heap. Steve’s face, by the way. That’s the garbage dump. Little private joke we have. That his face looks like a literal garbage dump. Anyway, what was I saying?

Reporters then asked the president why he decided now was the time to close the Grand Canyon National Park and convert it to a landfill.

“I mean, everything I touch pretty much turns into a garbage heap anyway,” Trump said, “so this is pretty consistent for me, I think. I’m just treating the Big Arizona Crack like I do all my businesses. BOOM! Presidentin’!”

Mr. Trump indicated that similar orders could be forthcoming, as his administration conducts the review of federally protected lands.

“I look at all these reserved lands,” Trump said, “and I think to myself, they’d look so much better with my name plastered on them. Or at the very least some commercial buildings or a Russian Piss Whore brothel. So we’ll see, won’t we, America? We’ll see.”

Trump rubbed his hands and laughed manically as the string quartet he hired to sit in the corner played slow, menacing, chords in a minor key.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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