Trump Plans to Be Sitting on His Fat Ass While Brandon Delivers State of the Union Address

While President Brandon is delivering the very first State of the Union Address of his presidency, one twice-permanently impeached, defeated ex-president will be doing what sources tell us he does the best. On the condition of anonymity and Bass Pro Shops gift cards, our source agreed to a telephone interview from the Mar-A-Lago luxury resort in South Florida, where former President Don Trump resides.

“While Brandon is giving a speech that only real, certified presidents get to deliver, FOREVER PRESIDENT DON TRUMP will be doing something he does best, and something that Brandon could only dream of doing as well as he does,” our source said. “Mr. Trump will be sitting on his big, fat ass, eating McDonald’s, and farting quite a lot. If you think Brandon could handle that for longer than five seconds, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.”

New Biden Sanctions Cut Off Putin’s Supply of Republican Blowjobs

During his one, singular term, which was marred by constant scandal, investigations, and a historic two impeachments, Trump gave three of his own State of the Union speeches. Famously, Speaker Nancy Pelosi ripped up Trump’s last speech. However, it was later confirmed by Pelosi she only tore up what she thought was another hot stock trading tip.

Our source tells us Trump has no interest in watching Biden’s speech. Instead, he’ll do something that he did quite often when he was living in the White House and found himself, as our source put it, “too bored to president.”

“Last week, in advance preparation of tonight, Mr. Trump had all the crates of his old Apprentice shows delivered to his penthouse. Tonight, he’ll put on his favorite episodes and fap to his favorite scenes, just like he did as president,” our source divulged.

“To be totally sure he’ll be too busy fapping to care about Brandon’s speech, he had the editing team make sure it’s only scenes with him and the former First Lady. Luckily Ivanka appeared in almost every episode, so it wasn’t hard to cut the scenes together.”


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This