The President of the United States held his first face-to-face summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin today. Shortly after the summit broke up, reportedly President Joe Biden received an unscheduled phone call from his predecessor, former one-term, twice-permanently impeached President Donald J. Trump. According to those with knowledge of the situation, President Trump was quite rushed and sounded agitated and anxious.
“Sleepy! Sleepy! Is that you, Sleepy? Isn’t it fuckin’ hilarious when I call you that, Sleepy,” Trump began the call. “I think it is, and all these people in red hats and white hoods say it is, so it must be. Anyway, hey, um, Sleepy? How’s he looking?”
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Reportedly, Biden wasn’t sure who Trump was talking about at first.
“Huh? What? I’m not sure who you’re talking about, Donny,” Biden replied. “How’s who looking?”
“Fuckin’ Sleepy! You crack me up, man. But you know who I’m talking about,” Trump insisted, “my guy. My big guy. The bigliest guy I know. So big. So dreamy, really. He’s a real dream boat.”
Biden was still not quite sure what Trump was talking about.
“Donny? I’m still not quite sure what you’re talking about,” Biden said. “Who are we referring to?”
Finally, Trump confirmed who he was asking Biden about.
“You know, my guy. Vlad. Uncle Vlad. Big Dad Vlad, as I like to call him,” Trump pressed on. “How’s he doing? How’s he looking? What was he wearing? Did he mention me? Like, at all? Did he ask how I was doing? Is he seeing anyone new?”
Trump could be heard smashing up Adderall and sprinkling it onto a generous portion of KFC. The former president started devouring his meal while he continued to ask Biden for answers.
“I bet he misses me. Did he say he misses me? I know I miss him, but I think I should play hard to get for 2024, what do you think, Sleepy,” Trump asked President Biden. “Did he say if he’s got someone else now? I want to know where I stand with him, but he’s not picking up my calls anymore, Sleepy! That has me really worried.”
Biden let out a chuckle.
“Hey! Sport, listen, we didn’t get around to talking about you at all, I’m sorry to say,” Biden broke the bad news to Trump. “I mean, he did mention something about how he enjoyed sloppy public beejers to closed door diplomatic meetings, but he was probably talking about someone else, right?”
Fighting back tears, Trump hung up in a huff after calling Biden “fake news.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.