WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Donald Trump cited the Insurrection Act of 1807 and had federal officers use tear gas to disperse peaceful protesters and the press covering them from in front of the White House. Minutes later, Trump stood in the Rose Garden and effectively threatened the entire nation with a 7pm curfew, enforced by the might of the U.S. military. When his threats of a violent tantrum over coverage in the news that he hid in a bunker over the weekend, scared by angry protests just beyond the White House fence, Trump walked from the White House a couple of blocks to St. John’s church, a historical site that has hosted presidential prayers from Lincoln on down the line.
The church had been set ablaze during one night of violent protest, which the country has seen ever since the extrajudicial murder of George Floyd, an unarmed black suspect, at the hands of a white Minneapolis police officer. Trump, the man who was able to find good things to say about Nazis, and who condemned anti-Nazis as terrorists that morning, stood in front of St. John’s and held up a book, the Holy Bible. While photographers snapped pictures, Trump pontificated.
More: Trump Thought Secret Service Would Take Him Golfing When He Begged to Be Put in Bunker
“Thank you, thank you all for coming out to my photo op, which was very vital for this nation to heal. And by this nation, of course I mean only the people who voted for me,” Trump said, “the rest of the haters who didn’t? They can literally fuck off and actually die for all I care, and before any of you PC, Bob Mueller 1.2 trillion Angry Illegal Mexican Democrat Enemies of the People FAKE NEWS press people get your panties in a bunch, Billy Barr told me there is no law that states I have to give a shit about anyone who didn’t vote for me, so THERE!”
After about three minutes of explaining to the press why he’s allowed to casually disregard large portions of the citizenry, Trump seemed to forget why he was standing in front of the church. He looked over at his right hand, and noticed the bible was still in it. President Trump waved the bible around a bit, then opened it and started fanning through its pages.
A minute or two of the president rifling through the bible led to Trump shaking his head and clucking his tongue.
“This book has absolutely no pictures of titties in it,” Trump said, somewhat disbelievingly. “I thought there’d be, like, ancient paintings of titties at least. Weren’t there no bras in the bible times? Shouldn’t there at least be some hot chick, and I’m just throwing out random ideas here, that looks like, say, MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER IVANKA, and she’s got her big ol’ titties out?”
Trump bit his lower lip.
“Oh man, when Ivanka was titty-fooding my little grandbabies, whatever their names are, who cares,” Trump mused, “that was, and I’m not kidding at all, the absolute best time in my life. I got to the point where when any of those little shits would start crying, I’d get a full-blown chub from it, because I knew MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER IVANKA would be whipping one of those tig-ol-bitties I bought for her Sweet 16 out, and if I looked away before she jammed into one of those little bastards’ mouths, I’d have a brand new entry for the spank bank, if you know what I mean.”
Trump looked around to see if everyone understood what he meant, then he made sure there were no misconceptions.
“I’m saying I’d masturbate to my daughter’s titties,” Trump clarified, “like always. Except now, it’s PRESIDENTIAL when I do it. Anyway, the point is I thought I’d do everyone a favor, and in case they were thinking of buying a copy of this book, let them know it doesn’t have one tit in it.”
Before ending the publicity stunt, Trump handed the bible to White House Press Blonde Vapid Fuckmuppet Kayleigh McEnany.
“Kayleigh! KAY-LEIUGH! Take this fuckin’ thing off my hands would ya,” Trump chucked the bible at his press secretary. “What good is a book without pictures of titties, anyway?”
After the incident, Rev. Jerry Falwell, one of Trump’s most loyal defenders among evangelical Christians, said he too has been “bigly disappointed by the lack of boobies” in the bible.
“I think we’ve all sat there in the pews on Sunday, and wished that we were looking at some nice jugs,” Falwell said, “instead of reading the word of God, or whatever. Once again, our Dear President leads by example, and show us how to be good, MAGA Christians. Amen.”
More: Tomi Lahren to Release List of Acceptable Ways for Black People to Protest Abuse
Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.