WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, a visibly agitated President Trump held a press conference in the Rose Garden after a meeting with Democrats Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer blew up. Trump was reportedly angry that Speaker of the House Pelosi had said earlier that day that Trump was complicit in a “cover-up.” In the Rose Garden, Trump emphatically and angrily told reporters, “I don’t do cover-ups.”
Mr. Trump kept using the phrase “the I-word” during the Rose Garden presser. Many presumed he was speaking about the word “impeachment.” Last week, Republican Congressman Justin Amash became the first member of Trump’s own party to openly call for his impeachment. However, in the Oval Office today, Trump said that there are several words that begin with the letter “I” that he has expressly forbidden his staff from saying, not just “impeachment.”
“Why is everyone so shocked that I won’t use that word? I don’t use any words that start with “I,” really. Except my second favorite word in the whole world, ‘I,’ because it refers to my first favorite person in the world, me,” Trump said. “But I gave an order to my staff weeks ago banning I words. Fuck I words. They’re for cucks! I words, all of them, can rot in hell!”
Trump, breathing heavily and sweating, pulled a basket of chicken wings and a Big Mac out of the Resolute Desk. Pressing a button, a kitchen staff member was alerted to his need for a Diet Coke. Moments later, an aide appeared with a bucket of soda and a large hose from which Trump could suck it down.
“I banned them because it just seemed to me that most of the words that start with that letter are mean. Just mean, nasty words, and I frankly got a little tired of hearing all those I words used around me,” Trump said. “So I banned them all. Every single I word. Gone. Out of the White House dictionary.”
President Trump farted because he was speaking so emotionally and angrily. He blamed it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who went and lied down on her bed, knowing the routine. She hadn’t farted, but she knew the wrath she’d incur if she pointed that out, and simply took her abuse like always, sources say.
“That includes ‘incompetent,’ ‘idiot,’ ‘inconsiderate,’ ‘insane,’ ‘impeachment,’ and ‘incestuous,'” Trump explained. “All of the I words…gone. Out of my life, forever. Bye bye!”
When asked, President Trump says that there are some letters of the alphabet that he’s “absolutely never” going to ban if they start words words.
“I’m no fascist! There are plenty of letters that start words that I have no problem with,” Trump shouted at the press. “Like, words that start between the letters M and O, I’m way good with a lot of words that start with that letter. Well, okay, just one word in particular, but you get what I’m trying to say, right? I know David Duke does.”
“WINK-WINK,” Trump yelled, verbalizing a facial gesture most people use without any accompanying words.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.