WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the White House, rumors are flying that there is a rift growing between the co-presidents. At the heart of the conflict? Whether or not executive orders signed by Co-President Trump are worthy to be displayed on the White House refrigerator. Several sources close to the situation indicate that Trump and Co-President Steve Bannon are at odds, and while the tension between them is “minor” at the moment, according to one staffer who would only let us refer to them as “Shmeince Shmeebus,” it could grow and boil over.
“Co-President Trump has an enormous ego,” Shmeebus told us, “in fact it’s the only thing about him, besides his ass, love handles, thighs, and cankles, that could be described in such a way. But because of his ego, he really thinks the orders he signs are worthy of being displayed on the fridge, so that anyone visiting the White House can see them and offer their praise.”
According to Mr. Shmeebus, Co-President Trump is concerned the general public is not seeing enough of him lately. He feels that wall-to-wall coverage of his every tweet, burp, or fart isn’t enough. Trump told Bannon that he wants “extra recognition” or he’ll “go to his room and pout.” Bannon has expressed exasperation at not having Trump’s mother and father around to bribe him to come out of his room with candy, snacks, or small loans of about a million dollars.
“Donny, we’ve talked about this,” Bannon reportedly told Trump, “the fridge has to stay the way it is.”
Trump stamped his feet. He howled and wailed about not seeing what “the point of being president is” if he can’t have what he wants whenever he wants it. Bannon, seeming to have an unending supply of patience for Trump’s mood swings, patted him gently on the head.
“I’m sorry Donny, but rules are rules,” Bannon said, “and ever since you put that naked picture of Ivanka on the fridge, we’ve had that rule about you not putting anything on it, right?”
Trump shook his head sheepishly. Shmeebus says that’s when Bannon appeared to soften a bit.
“Look, I’ll tell you what,” Bannon offered, “maybe we can’t put your signed EOs on the fridge, but we can put your finger paintings up if you want! Doesn’t that sound like fun? I think that sounds like fun. Everybody, don’t you think that sounds like fun, if Co-President Trump does some finger painting and we put it on the fridge?”
Mr. Bannon looked around the room, indicating with his eyes that he wanted people to agree with him. Everyone in the room nodded their head and spoke small words of agreement. Trump seemed to like the positive attention.
“Okay, I’ll do some finger paintings,” Trump said, “and then can we go get ice cream?”
Bannon smiled widely.
“Of course, Donny,” Bannon replied, “I just have to make one quick stop at the Holocaust Memorial Museum. I haven’t jerked off in a long time.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.