Trump Declares Today “Bang! Your Daughter at Work Day”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced today that this year he will begin an initiative program that he helps will cast himself, and his administration, in a more “pro-female” light.

“Today is a bigly big day for us because,” Trump announced, “we hereby officially declare it Bang! Your Daughter at Work Day. It’ll be a day of celebrating our daughters. Our wonderful, beautiful, very sexy, very desirable daughters.”

Trump said that the point of Bang! Your Daughter at Work Day is for Americans all over the country to not just bring their daughters to work, but to “make them the focal point, and show them off with pizzazz,” Trump explained.

“We wanted American workers not just to drag their daughters out to where they work, but to do it with gusto, with pride, with a bang! You know, it’s like, ‘Bang! Check out my daughter!’ or ‘Bang! My daughter’s here, pay attention to her,” Trump said, “pretty cool, huh?”

At the announcement, First Lady Daughter Ivanka Trump said he was “excited and turned on” by this tweak to the traditional “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.”

“I’m so proud of Daddy,” Ivanka told reporters, “and I’m really very excited and turned on by this new initiative. It really motivates me. Daddy always knows how to motivate me and get me really moving, all over the place really. I’m always in constant motion around Daddy.”

Mr. Trump said that other names were considered, to try to convey the same message.

“We thought about Bang! Your Daughter’s Really Working it Today,” Trump said, “and I Want to Bang My Daughter Day. The first one a lot of people liked. Weirdly, though, no one really liked my second suggestion. I was the only one that raised my hand for that one. But, like a good leader, I went with the consensus of my confidantes and advisers, and we’re going with Bang! your Daughter at Work Day.”

Mr. Trump is hoping some of his Republican friends and colleagues stop by the White House to visit with their daughters, too.

“Oh, I’d love to see Junior Palin,” Trump said, “she’s a tall glass of I’d like to fuck her. Does Mitch McMcConnell have any hot granddaughters? I know sea turtles live a long time, so his daughters are probably all over 30 anyway. YUCK! The only woman for me who’s over 30 is my darling First Lady Daughter Ivanka.”

Bang! Your Daughter at Work Day will be held every year for the duration of Trump’s term.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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