WASHINGTON, D.C. — When reports surfaced that President Donald Trump had a difficult, testy, and perhaps even slightly hostile conversation with Australia’s Prime Minister, it took many on both sides of the aisle by surprise. The U.S. and Australia have always enjoyed a mutually beneficial diplomatic relationship, and Australia is one of America’s closest allies. For an argument to spring up over a refugee agreement signed by Obama seemed extreme to many, but now new leaks and reports are surfacing that might offer some insight, and perhaps a little reasoning, behind the tensions between Trump and Malcolm Turnbull this week.
“At this point in time, we’re thinking that this was nothing more than a language barrier,” Kellyanne Conway told Fox News this morning, “and so it’s pretty reasonable to understand, of course, why you might have some issues with a language barrier, right?”
The Fox News hosts sitting around a table all agreed and told Ms. Conway she was the most brilliant, beautiful, political mind of our time. They said that no one holds a candle to her prowess and her ability to tell the unvarnished, alternative truth no matter what the situation. Conway smiled, nodded, and thanked them for their “totally surprising but completely true words of encouragement.”
Later, on MSNBC though, Conway got a little push back on her narrative.
“Wait, so President Trump and Prime Minister Turnbull had a language barrier problem,” Joe Scarborough asked Conway, “like, um, you mean Trump couldn’t understand Turnbull’s accent and vice versa?”
Conway blinked. Mr. Scarborough asked his question again. Conway still blinked, though a very faint sound of a hamster on a wheel could be heard during the broadcast. Scarborough prodded Conway one more time.
“Oh sorry, I go into idle sleep mode sometimes,” Conway said, “one of the side effects of turning me into a soulless cyborg. Anyway, no, it wasn’t about accents. President Trump simply doesn’t speak Australianese.”
Scarborough’s brow furrowed.
“Kellyanne, Australians speak – ,” Scarborough started.
“Australianese, I know, Joe,” Conway answered for him.
“No, Kellyane, they speak – ,” he tried one more time.
“Australianese, yes Joe,” Conway said, clucking her tongue and shaking her head, “c’mon. Let’s not play the mainstream media stuff okay? Let’s just leave it at that. Language barrier.”
For ten minutes Scarborough tried every way he could to get Ms. Conway to understand the two men were speaking the same language. Every time, Conway would pivot and deflect, usually to some negative talking point about Hillary Clinton. Finally, she seemed to have enough.
“Look, Joe,” Conway started, “if they were speaking the same language, then why come Outback steakhouse has to constantly run those PSAs for their restaurants where they tell you how to speak Australian, huh? They want you to know how to order the food when you go into their restaurant, Joe. They’re that attentive to detail, Joe. So yeah, let’s just drop this stuff and move onto discussing the president handing out Double Purple Hearts to the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre.”
The Australian PM could not be reached for comment by the time of publication.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.