Former President Trump Prefers His Classified Documents Well Done and Drenched in Ketchup

As the time goes on from when they leave office, much can be — and often is —  learned about former presidents. This week, the American people learned that their most recent former president has a special diet that includes classified documents.

This morning, during a radio interview, Donald Trump Jr. told Sean Hannity that his father doesn’t just “love to eat classified docs,” he has a certain way he wants them to be prepared.

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“President Daddy — who will always be the real president, no matter what the fake news or vote count says — is a real American. So he eats his classified documents the way he eats his real American steaks,” Trump Jr. boasted. “Well done, and smothered in good ol’ freedom-y ketchup! None of this Sharia French mustard certain, shall we say, OVERLY PIGMENTED presidents love so much, Sean.”

Hannity and Trump Jr. shared a solid five minutes of laughter over the uproarious joke.

“Seriously, though, Sean, my amazingly hilarious joke aside I…hang on, need to do a little bump real quick,” Trump Jr. was heard taking a giant sniff inward. “I think what all these Woketopian Libtards are so upset about is that they never elected a man both brave enough and with a sophisticated enough of palette, to enjoy the finer things in life. Such as roasting up a nice batch of intelligence reports and then covering the charred ashes with an entire bottle of ketchup.”

Trump Jr. also denied allegations from a new book that suggests his father flushed documents down the White House toilets.

“I think there’s just some general confusion. Everyone knows my dad wiped his ass with the Constitution every day of his presidency right? Well, what most Americans do with something after they’ve wiped their ass with it, is flush down the toilet,” Trump Jr. explained. “So, that’s what they had to fish out of the toilets. And who cares about that? President Daddy didn’t need some cucky document when he was president, but why does Sleepy Joe?”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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