Trump Asks Nuclear Warhead To Be His Secretary Of Defense

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the days following his historic victory over Hillary Rodham Clinton to secure the 45th presidency of the United States of America, rumors have started swirling around Donald Trump’s cabinet selections. Americans all over the political spectrum have seen names like Dr. Ben Carson, Newt Gingrich, and even Sarah Palin floated as possibilities. Today, word leaked of one of the most prominent positions and who was on the shortlist for it.

“President-elect Trump is giving serious considering to asking a nuclear warhead to be his Secretary of Defense,” Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, told the press. Ms. Conway has also been offered a job in the Trump White House according to sources.

Conway said that a nuclear warhead would be the “most logical pick” Trump could make. She insisted it “fits both with the theme and message of this campaign.”

“Namely,” Conway said, “that message is ‘Make America Great Again…at the expense of everyone and everything.”

Some on the Hill have expressed concern over not only if the warhead is a good choice politically, but also if it’s possible given some basic biological facts.

“I mean,” Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) told reporters, “a nuclear warhead isn’t a human being. I’m sure this won’t be the first time you hear me saying this during the Trump Era, but fuck me if I have any clue what he’s thinking.”

Asked about the logistics of how a nuclear warhead as Secretary of Defense would work, Ms. Conway gave a rambling answer that had almost nothing to do with the question asked.

“Of course it wouldn’t be easy,” Conway told reporters, “but I’d ask you if you like oatmeal or muffins for breakfast. And if you don’t think about stuff in that way, Taco Bell Moon Pie Fart Biscuit!”

Asked for comment, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) said he couldn’t hear the question over his “ginormous war boner.”

Donald Trump will become the fifth U.S. President to have more Americans vote against him being president than for him. The last one was George W. Bush, which most Americans remember as the “Most Prosperous and Stable Time In America Ever.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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