Trump to Start Anti-Farting Task Force With Bush’s Baked Beans

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When temporary President Donald Trump met with Russian President Vladimir Putin, the world was at rapt attention. For two hours, the pair met behind closed doors at last week’s G20 summit — a meeting of the twenty most powerful countries in the world. Ever since the hotly contested election of last year in which Trump pulled the most stunning upset in modern political history, rumors have been rampant about connections between Russia and Trump, who is now the subject of a criminal obstruction of justice probe stemming from his handling of former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn and former FBI Director James Comey’s terminations.

One rather surprising bit of information that came out of Putin and Trump’s meeting was that the two discussed a “Cyber Security unit,” which raised all kinds of red flags on both sides of the aisle. Trump announced the talk of the cyber security task force with a tweet.

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Seventeen intelligence communities have indicated with high certainty that Putin directed Russian intelligence agencies to attack U.S. data infrastructure in an attempt to help sway the election for Trump. The idea that the United States and Russia would then team-up to help protect each other’s cyber assets is laughable to many on the hill. Today, the White House announced a similar partnership that has many with raised eyebrows at the time of publication.

“Y’all, the president has announced that starting next month we will partner with Bush’s beans,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in an off-camera press briefing, “and we will work together for a common cause. Stopping all farts.”

Huckabee Sanders says that farting is a “big ticket item” in the president’s mind. He farts quite a lot, she said, and while his farts smell like cotton candy, roses, strawberries, and not at all like treason and borscht, he knows not everyone was “blessed with a rosy-smellin’ cinnamon hole.” Therefore, Ms. Huckabee Sanders said, it’s a high priority for President Trump to help Americans with their growing flatulence epidemic.

“If everyone could be blessed with a rosy-smellin’ cinnamon hole, this would be a totally different subject,” Huckabee Sanders said, “but since the president understands most common plebes’ butt holes produce a foul smelling odor, unlike his, that something simply must be done.”

The Trump administration feels Bush’s Baked Beans is the right corporate partner for this task force because of their proximity to the farting epidemic.

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“Some might think that starting an anti-farting task force with a bean purveyor would be like starting a cyber security task force with the same people who hacked you less than a year ago. Or like starting an anti-murder task force with OJ Simpson, or maybe an anti-rape task force with Bill Cosby. But this is different. Because reasons, stuff, things, FAKE NEWS, and such. You get it, right ya’all? And now I’d like to introduce our headliner for today’s show, my dad, Mike Huckabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Ms. Huckabee Sanders’ father, Mike Huckabee, then did twenty minutes of his best comedic material from Twitter, clearing the room of all in attendance within the first minute and a half. This story is developing.

Reps from Bush’s Baked Beans could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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