WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has reportedly made up his mind about who he will nominate to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, but that he made one final call to whomever it is, making sure of where their loyalties lie.
“Hey there, it’s me, Lord President and Savior Trump, just wanted to know that it’s you, I’m picking you,” Trump told the will-be nominee this morning in a phone call the press was just issued a readout for. “But before you start thanking me over and over, falling all over yourself praising me, and offering to give me Ivanka style pleasures, I do have one last pretty important question to ask you.”
The person on the other end of the line asked their own question of Mr. Trump.
“No, it’s not about your feelings on originalism versus a living Constitution,” Trump answered. “I don’t even know what literally any of that means.”
The transcript provided by the White House does not reveal who the nominee is, nor does it give many clues, however at one point it does seem that the president accidentally drops some kind of clue.
“Before I ask you what I need to ask you, I just want to make sure, you can still see Russia from your backyard right? Vlad wanted me to ask you because he said he may need to ask you to bring some stuff from the Gremlin or whatever back to me, and he wants to make sure you’re okay with being his gopher as well as a Burrito Supreme.”
The person on the other end agreed.
“Great! Now, let’s just make sure we’re crystal clear where your loyalties should lie,” Trump began.
Again the other person spoke.
“I know you have to say that you’re loyal to the Constellation out there in public, but you’re one-on-one with the boss now, you see,” Trump said. “So I need to make sure you know where your bread got buttered, capice? Like, will you fix my parking tickets for me, for the rest of your life, even when I’m not president?”
The candidate agreed.
“Awesome possum! Will you, I don’t know, just spit balling here, also fix any potential — BUT VERY UNLIKELY BECAUSE NO COLLUSION — obstructions of justice cases I might be facing any time in the future,” Trump asked his future nominee.
Again, the candidate agreed without hesitation.
“And just, so we can put a little bow on it, because I can’t tie a big one for some reason that’s not my hand size at all,” Trump started to ask, “How about treasons? Will you help make treason legal and constitution for me? You know, JUST IN CASE, WINK WINK!”
It’s unclear why Trump audibly winked. However, the future potential Supreme Court justice once again simply agreed to Trump’s condition.
“Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, feel free to start the thanking me over and over, falling all over yourself praising me, and offering to give me Ivanka style pleasures stuff now,” Trump said.
There was a pause on the other line of but a brief moment.