President-Elect Trump Names Himself As U.S. Diplomat To Russia

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This morning, President-Elect Donald Trump continued his spate of eyebrow-raising appointments in his presidential administration. Trump has already turned heads sideways by appointing a neurosurgeon as his HUD secretary, a billionaire and fake wrestling executive as his small business administrator, and a number of other appointments for which experience seemed to not be of any concern to him. Today, Trump announced that he’d found the “perfect, most brilliant, large- handed man” for the job of U.S. Ambassador to Russia.

“Me,” Trump said, with a beaming, ear to ear smile, “I’ll just do it. Many people tell me I’m very diplomatic. Way more diplomatic than any of those assholes from other bullshit countries would be. My dad always taught me one thing — always fold your white robes before you put them away. But sometimes while were folding his robes, we’d get to talking about other things. And one time he told me that if you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself.”

Mr. Trump told reporters that he feels he is “already very uniquely qualified” to represent the U.S. in such a capacity.

“Well, for starters, I have tremendously powerful friends over there,” Trump said, “Really tremendously powerful, okay? Not that it means anything, though. Let me repeat — I have very powerful friends in Russia, but that doesn’t mean anything untoward or even remotely treasonous can or will happen. I’m just saying I know a guy. Some say he’s THE guy to know in Russia. I don’t know, whatever.”

The president-elect listed “saving money on another ambassador’s salary” and the fact that he already speaks “a little Russian” as reasons he believes she should be both president and our ambassador to Russia.

“Let’s face it folks,” Trump said, “we’re talking about saving money on another ambassador’s salary here. I already speak a little Russian, and I can even save the taxpayers a boat load of money on hotels when I stay over there if I just bunk with my buddy Vlad — I mean Bob. His name’s Bob. Bob Smith.”

The alleged-billionaire and former reality-TV star says that his legal team have told him that even though this move would be unprecedented, it’s still valid.

“They’ve told me that as president I pretty much have God powers,” Trump said, “and I believe them. They got their constitutional law degrees from Trump University, after all. If anyone knows about the constitution and how to make me feel like an immortal, omnipotent billionaire megalomaniac, it’s them. So I trust them when they say this is totally fine to do. Besides, let’s be honest, doesn’t it just kinda make sense folks? I think so. You think so. Of course you do.”

Reached for comment, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he thought the idea was “fantastic.”

“Look,” Putin said in a conference call, “I thought it was a good idea when I thought of it. I think it’s a great idea now. Americans should just get used to this kind of trans-global partnership. Maybe even just try this on for size: Ameri-Russians. Yeah? Has a good ring to it, I think. Wait. I feel little uncomfortable right now. Let me just…take…my…shirt off…Ah. That’s much better.”

Donald Trump will be sworn-in as 45th and final President of the United States on January 20th, 2017.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This