President Trump Considering Switching Air Force One Out For a Jet From the United Fleet

WASHINGTON, D.C. — While many in America were shocked and outraged when they saw video footage of a man claiming to be a doctor being dragged off a United Airlines flight, reportedly, the President of the United States of America says he was “excited and frankly a little turned on” by it.

“I love it,” sources say President Donald Trump shouted at very close range to Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, “That shit reminds me of my campaign rallies!”

During the 2016 presidential campaign, Trump’s rallies came to be known for how rowdy they could become. In fact, on more than one occasion, Trump supporters were seen physically assaulting anti-Trump protesters. At one rally, Trump seemed to incite violence by telling his audience he’d pay for anyone’s legal fees who got arrested for punching a protester. That kind of “rough and tumble, punch first and ask questions never” kind of approach to conflict resolution really excites the president, aides say.

“Oh man, I just love seeing people take charge of a situation like that,” Trump said, pointing to a TV monitor with the footage replaying on it, “because it’s how real winners handle things. No thinking. Just acting. If you think, you might second guess yourself. And let me ask you, do you think any great Americans have ever had any regrets? From Stonewall Jackson to Lee Harvey Oswald to Dick Cheney, great Americans never regret shit!”

He liked so much of what he saw, staffers say, that President Trump will be seriously entertaining the thought of switching out Air Force One for a regular, commercial airliner from the United fleet.

“Sweet Jesus, that’s the kinda crew I want around me,” Trump said, “people willing to go to ridiculous extremes to solve a problem that has a much more simplistic and better solution. I mean, if that doesn’t sum up my management style, then frankly I don’t know what does.”

Anonymous sources are telling the media that should Trump decide to replace the current presidential plane with one from United, he will still have “very exacting standards” and will need “special, presidential modifications” made to the new jet.

“We need to be able to travel long distances overnight,” Trump reportedly said to his staff, “so I want to make sure that there’s a nice, big, comfy bed installed. Ivanka just hates when we wake up all tangled up in each other, and she needs her space. A king bed at the minimum is what we need, but I’d like to have a custom one installed, which I’m sure the taxpayers won’t mind because it’s me. People love me, you know.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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