Trump Adviser Michele Bachmann To Get New Secretary of Rapture Cabinet Role

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — When former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) announced that the Donald J. Trump presidential campaign had asked her to start consulting with them on matters of foreign policy, it was assumed she was angling for a cabinet position in Trump’s administration. On Monday, Trump announced at a press conference outside his Trump Tower apartment building that Bachmann would indeed be getting a cabinet position, and it was one that he was going to create especially for her, by what he called “executive decree.”

“Believe it or not, Michele is truly one of the brightest minds the Republican Party has to offer,” Trump told reporters, “and I knew I wanted her to be on my team in some capacity. So after much deliberation I asked her to join my administration, after I win handily, and be my new Secretary of Rapture.”

Trump said that he got the idea for the cabinet position when he found out that Ms. Bachmann remarked while visiting Israel this year that she believed the bloody violence in that country was occurring because of the impending return to Earth of Jesus Christ. Describing himself as “the most Christian motherfucker out here,” Trump said he knew that before Jesus came back down, the Rapture would take up millions and millions of Christians into the Kingdom of Heaven, where God and Jesus await them, and he also knew, he says, that Bachmann should be the one leading the efforts to prepare the country’s Christians for their transition to eternity.

“Just like it makes absolute and total sense that I’d ask a right-wing conspiracy theorist and noted Islamaphobe to advise me on foreign policy,” Trump said, “it makes sense that I would elevate that same right-wing kook to position of power such as a cabinet position. But I already promised a lot of the good cabinet roles to other people, so I needed something for Michele that suited her talents, and I needed a position where she didn’t have to take off her tinfoil God message receiver hat if she didn’t want to.”

Reporters asked Trump how he plans to create the cabinet role when it seemed to violate the First Amendment’s implied wall of separation between church and state.

“Huh? What’s that? Repeat that again,” Trump said, “the First what now? What’s that in? The Constitution? Never heard of it.”

The media pressed on, asking Trump if he’d considered that all positions of trust, cabinet secretary positions, but by approved by congress. Trump bellowed a laugh. Breathing deeply through the sides of his teeth, he explained his plan to the media outlets covering the presser.

“Okay, right, so,” Trump started, “I’m going to create the Rapture Department using an executive decree.”

One reporter from a newspaper in Rhode Island asked Trump how he thought his Republican base would respond to his unconstitutional use of executive powers to create a cabinet position. The reporter pointed to the times that President Obama used executive actions and orders and the outrage and outcry they created among the right-wing of the American political spectrum. She asked if Trump thought this would cause him problems with the same people.

“Of course not,” Trump said emphatically. “I’m a Republican,things are different when you’re a Republican.”

Then, Trump paused for a moment. He seemed to be considering something. He scratched his chin awhile, then he put his right forefinger in the air, which could only be seen from a distance of about a foot or so.

“Plus,” Trump said, “I’m white. So…there’s that.”

Ms. Bachmann, reached for comment, spat out a bunch of randomly placed words that didn’t quite form sentences, but that were mostly about Obama, Islam, God and Jesus.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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