NEW YORK, NEW YORK — From the headquarters of Donald J. Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign, Johnathan Phillips told reporters his boss was “strongly in favor” of requiring that Muslim immigrants settling in the United States be moved to an area with their own, special oxygen supply.
“It’s not that we don’t trust Muslims,” Mr. Phillips told the press, “it’s just that we don’t know which ones we can trust.” Phillips asked the gathered representatives of various outlets rhetorically, “Wouldn’t it just be so much easier to give them their own air supply, somewhere they can feel comfortable all together?” He asked later if Muslim immigrants “wouldn’t feel more at home if they were in say, a more concentrated fashion?”
According to Phillips, Trump will unveil a new proposal he and his advisers have been working “extremely long hours” to produce and that “people will be stunned how easy it can be to round up a bunch of people who look different and have different sounding names.” Those who are afraid this sounds un-American have nothing to worry about, Phillips says, because Trump “wants to do this for the Muslims’ own protection, you know, to keep them from being abused we take away a little of their civil liberties.”
“Sure, we’d politely but firmly insist they stay in their special Muslim-only oxygen supply barracks,” Phillips said, “but that’s only for the duration of the War on Terror, or their lives, whichever takes longest.” Mr. Phillips told the media his boss “understands sometimes you have to be extremely paranoid about people for their own good” and that “Americans will go along with this idea like they always do, as long as they aren’t Muslims themselves.”
The process of determining who will be brought into the oxygen supply barracks will be a simple one, according to Phillips. “You just look them in the eye, ask them for their name, and then ask them if they’re now or ever have been Muslim,” he said, “it literally couldn’t be any simpler.” The barracks will be paid for by Islamic countries, Phillips said, and that Trump will easily be able to negotiate that proviso because “he’s a proven winner, and winners always win, or they’d be un-winners, not win-winners.”
“The Constitution was clearly written with the intent of basing people’s merit and worth on their religion,” Phillips said as the press conference was ending, “no matter what liberal, high-fallutin’ scholars tell you about there specifically being no religious test, and the notion that the First Amendment protects everyone’s rights to practice their religion. And besides, even if that’s not the case, we say it should be so neener-neener, essentially is what we’re saying. TRUMP 2K-16 OUT!”