WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump lashed out angrily at “Mr. Dow Jones” in a heated tirade on the White House lawn this morning. Trump was seething after watching the stock markets crater yet again yesterday. Yesterday’s slide amounted to the largest crash of the Dow Jones Industrial Average since the 1987 crash known as “Black Monday” which occurred during the presidency of Republican Ronald Reagan. Apparently, President Trump is under the impression that Dow Jones is someone’s first and last name, and today he demanded that Jones appear before Congress and testify about why he let his stock market take such a huge dive.

The Federal Reserve attempted to stave off even worse impacts of a stock market crash by injecting about a trillion and a half dollars into the financial sector. Not since the Great Recession has America seen its markets rattled so badly. It would appear fears over whether or not the Trump administration is handling the potential viral pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, combined with an oil price war, have truly spooked investors.

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“I gotta be honest with you, folks. At first I was confident, bigly confident, that the stock markets were part of a deep state coup attempt,” Trump screamed at reporters, “but I think I was not quite right, believe it or not. Can you believe that? Me, not being quite right? I know, I know, I can sense the shock and frustration in your body language, because as we all know I’ve never been not right, ever, about anything.”

For five minutes, Trump went through a detailed accounting of how correct he’s been about a whole slew of subjects. Eventually, he seemed to run out of steam and started pacing back and forth again. Finally, he returned to the subject of the Dow. 

“Anywho, the thing is — I’m certain now that Dow Jones is a Never Trumper,” Trump asserted. “He simply has to be. Frankly, there’s no other explanation for why he’s done so much to damage to me, and more importantly, my re-election campaign. If you ask me, I think every American should call Cryin’ Chuck, Nervous Nancy, Bald Headed Sally, Wonky Eyed Gary, and Shit Dick Magilicuddy and demand that they haul Mr. Dow Jones before a few congressional committees, get to the bottom of just how deep his Never Trump feelings go.”

Yesterday, the Federal Reserve injected $1.5 trillion into the financial sector, trying to stave off what could be the most devastating impacts of a further stock slide. President Trump praised the move as “the right kind of socialism, for the rich” but worried it didn’t go far enough.

“Maybe they should put a few trillion bucks in my bank account, and I’ll dole it to who needs it most,” Trump suggested. “I think that’s a great idea. It’d keep the money away from Mr. Dow Jones, a known never-Trumper, at this point. I think I’ll go talk to my staff about that right now. I bet Billy Barr says it’s the best idea he’s ever heard of, and tells me it’s totally legal and totally cool.”

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Rectum) has indicated he’d support subpoenas being issued to Mr. Dow Jones immediately. 

“Quite honestly, I wish the president had come up with his idea of his before the market started tanking,” Graham tweeted, “but I of course support getting to the bottom of his Never Trump feelings as quickly as possible. Does this go all the way back up the chain to President Obama or Joe Biden? We’ll have to wait and see, but we can’t figure any of that out until we get Mr. Dow Jones to testify, under oath.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.