Trump Accuses China Of Being A Chinese Hoax

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On the campaign trail, President-Elect Donald Trump would often display at least moderate aggression toward China. The alleged-billionaire would accuse China of currency manipulation in an attempt to weaken the U.S. economy and siphon jobs out of our country into theirs. When an underwater drone was recovered by Chinese military this week, Trump tweeted a couple of times, in a contradictory fashion, about the incident, making clear that at least at this point, his administration will be willing to take a more aggressive posture with China.

Trump’s first tweet incorrectly accused China of “stealing” the drone. And the second seemed to indicate that Trump, as president, would then be willing to allow China to keep the drone, the tweet almost putting on an air of a petulant teenager.

At an early morning press conference this week, the president-elect made perhaps his most aggressive, if not quizical, accusation about China to date. Mr. Trump accused the entire China of being a “Chinese hoax.”

“Look, I’m not saying this means something,” Trump told reporters, “but I have it on good authority, from some of my top people. And remember, my people are the best. Report that accurately, media. I have the best people, okay? I hire the best yes men and women money can buy…well, assuming I pay them, which I don’t always do. That’s a tried and true business approach, not paying your bills. Anyway, where was I?”

The media pool reminded Trump he had been talking about China.

“Oh, right, China,” Trump said, “so check it out…have any of you actually been to this so called China? I keep hearing about China, but I have to wonder, is China even real?”

The reporters looked around at each other with puzzled looks on their faces.

“Because I’m about 95% sure that China is just a Chinese hoax,” Trump said, “or even a left-wing, George Soros-sponsored fake news story. Because sure, we’ve seen pictures from alleged locations in China. And we’ve read about ancient Chinese civilizations dating back centuries, but, well what does all that mean, anyway? This is the Trump Era, baby! Truth is subjective, and mostly not necessary.”

When asked for evidence to his claim, Trump shrugged.

“I don’t know, Mad Dog said something,” Trump said, “or maybe it was Bannon when he’d gotten back from the tailor — he’s having his white robes let out for inauguration day — or you know, someone else on my staff. Who cares? The point is China’s probably hoax, bip-bop-bope, go Trump, know what I mean?”

The press did not know what he meant.

“I’m sensing you guys don’t follow me,” Trump said, “so let me explain this super easy to follow concept one more time, okay? Okay. So, China’s a hoax, perpetrated by China to make other countries believe it exists. Clearly it doesn’t, even though billions of people allegedly live there, and I myself have visited there. But I mean, have you been to Harry Potter world in Florida? I swear, it’s like they made all that magic shit that happens in the movies in real life. So how do we know that China’s not just some elaborate amusement park in Florida, is all I’m trying to say here, guys. See? Really simple concept. China’s an American amusement park.”

No one in the Chinese government could be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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