Trump Releases 45 Minute Long Facebook Video Making the Case For Why He’s a Sore Loser Bitch

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump lost the election between himself and former Vice President Joe Biden last month. At least, those are the facts that exist when one lives in a world where votes that are cast are counted. In Trump’s sphere of influence, however, the notion of counting votes is a little more opaque.

For Trump, his campaign’s legal team, and his supporters, it’s a question of which votes should or should not be counted. So far in court, Trump’s lawyers have been unable to mount a single victory, nor provide a shred of evidence for any of their wild claims. As time runs out before Biden is sworn-in, reportedly Republicans are getting more and more desperate for some kind of wild finish where state electors are tossed out and replaced with Trump loyalists, though the Supreme Court ruled that states can eject faithless electors earlier this year, so even that plan seems doomed to failure.

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Yesterday, Trump’s anger and fury at losing seemed to boil over, and he released a long-winded, ranting video on Facebook. The president seemed to be standing in front of a green screen and a White House backdrop was added, which would be curious considering he’s supposedly in the White House still. No matter where Trump happened to actually physically be when he recorded it, the 46-minute long tirade seemed to be laser-focused on convincing Americans of one, simple fact.

That he’s a sore loser bitch.

“Blah blah fuckin’ blah blah blah,” is how Trump chose to open his speech, essentially, “Wah, wah! Boo-fuckin’ hoo! George Soros! Angry Bob Mueller! Nancy Pelosi! AOC! THE SQUAD! SLEEPY KOKEEPYMOMEEPYTOTEEPY BIDEN!”

After being given a bottle of formula to suck down, Trump belched and seemed to focus a little more on his message.

“My fellow Americans, the non-haters, of course, I come to you now with an urgent message. It’s related to the election last month,” Trump said, “and I just want you all to know how devastated and sad I am about this whole mess. But if there’s one thing I have tried to make clear since the night of the election, it’s that I am and always will be a cry baby sore loser bitch.”

Outgoing President Trump pointed to his behavior over the last month as evidence of his “bitch-ocity.”

“This election really, really hurt my feelings. I was told by all these people who I pay to keep me happy that I was going to win,” Trump howled. “So why come me not win? Did they lie to me? All those people? Did they really just tell me what it is they thought I wanted to hear, hoping they’d be right and I wouldn’t turn into a sour-puss baby bitch man? This all seems very, very unfair to me.”

According to internal polling, Trump’s message seems to be sticking.

“We have seen a tremendous spike in the number of people who think Trump is a little sore loser bitch,” Jane Janely of We Poll You Deep and Hard told us. “So I think if he’s trying to convince the electorate that he’s a cry baby, he’s succeeding. Bigly.”

Former Vice President Joe Biden will be sworn-in on January 21st, 2021.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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