Trump Administration Planning ‘Really Bigly Yooge’ 100th Round of Presidential Golf Celebration

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Now that his presidential administration has passed the highly-anticipated 100 day mark, President Donald Trump told reporters as he left the White House for doughnuts today that he had his “sights set on a much biglier and more importanter” milestone.

“Folks, I have some really big, really important news to share with you all,” Trump said as he was stopped by the press pool, “and I think everyone in the country who isn’t influenced by FAKE NEWS will really love this news. We’re going to throw a big party across the country to honor my one-hundredth round of presidential golf.”

Mr. Trump said that when he came into office, he was handed a book filled with scorecards from eight previous presidents. He noticed that, despite his years of trolling President Obama over it, that his direct predecessor hadn’t logged the most time on the golf course after all. Trump said he saw that as a chance to “one up his urban ass” and has dedicated himself to being the fastest president ever to reach one hundred rounds of golf.

“I’m already playing at a clip that’s double that Kenyan guy’s,” Trump said, “so I think it’s only a matter of time really before I play my hundredth round. At this rate, it should be before the end of the year. But I’m a winner. Winners push themselves. I’ll make it by the summer or more my name isn’t Comrade President Pee Pee Party!”

President Trump said that in his mind, the best measure of a new president’s success is not the 100th day in office after all, but it’s the 100th round of golf played president.

“Really,” Trump said while sniffling, snorting, and wheezing, “the truth is that the hundredth round of golf is a much more betterer measure of how goodly a president has been presidenting, I think, and I know you all agree with me…all 130 million or so of you that voted for me.”

The press pool erupted. Reporters told Trump he had over-estimated his vote count by double. Trump seemed confused, a little angry even.

“Oh, I was under the impression, and was told this by really smart people — the best people really — that the winner of the Electoral College is awarded the all the popular votes. I’ll have my lawyers look into that. But I’m pretty sure I’m right , so…”

Since being sworn into office in January, Trump has spent nearly every weekend in South Florida at his luxury estate and estimates of the costs for extra security for his trips and to house his son Barron and third wife Melania in New York instead of D.C. have raised eyebrows. Trump waved those concerns off as he bade the pool goodbye.

“It’s good to be the king,” Trump said.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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