When Traveling in the U.S., Mexico Advises Citizens to Bring Bottled Water

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — The Mexican government is advising all its citizens that if they are planning to take a trip to the United States any time in the near future to plan ahead and bring their own bottled water, or to purchase and drink only bottled water while visiting.

In a bulletin posted from Mexico’s Officina de Viajar, the Mexican government warned that recent headlines in Flint, Michigan had them “initially concerned,” but a New York Times report that showed several other municipalities in Ohio, North Carolina, and many other states also had their drinking water test positive for lead contamination, they decided to “act quickly and come up with the best, safest way to protect travelers if their plans happen to take them to the United States any time soon.”

“The United States, while a nation of great freedom and liberty, does not always believe in protecting those freedoms and liberties by investing in infrastructure that keeps things like roads safe to drive on and water safe to drink,” warns the Mexican travel advisory, “and after decades of pushing to dismantle and vastly We believe it is in the best interest of your health and well-being of Mexican citizens to not drink any of the water in America unless it comes from a bottle.”

The Travel Office also put a small list of other “safety precautions” Mexican travelers in the U.S. should take for their own “protection.” That list is as follows.

  • Conservative estimates show that there are at least as many guns as there are people living in the U.S, and there are many climate zones within the country. Make sure to pack layers so you can cover your Kevlar vest and stay warm or cool depending on the weather that day.
  • Do not give any money to anyone who finds out you’re from Mexico and demands you pay for any “walls.”
  • If you are one of the many drug dealers, rapists, or murderers that we intentionally send to the U.S. make sure your Mexican Rapist/Drug Dealer/Murderer I.D. badges are visibly shown at all times.
  • If you happen to come upon people shouting “Make America Great Again,” run far, run fast, run immediately. They are not going to make anything great, ever, and once they find out you’re from Mexico, things could get really ugly, really quickly
  • Be alert when using public restrooms in the United States. Republican politicians and/or Catholic priests are allowed to use whatever bathroom they want in America.

In response, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said that he was commissioning a report on America’s drinking water as well, and that his country’s Agence de Voyage International would be issuing a similar advisory to Canadian travelers to the U.S. as well. The United Nation’s Council on Potability has said they would consider adopting Mexico’s U.S. travel guidelines in the coming year, should they fail to see “action aimed at cleaning up America’s drinking water” in the coming weeks and months.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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