President Trump Designates Trappist-1 Solar System As Construction Site For Death Star

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Co-President Donald Trump, under the guidance of Russian President Vladimir Putin, has announced that the newly discovered TRAPPIST-1 solar system will be where the construction of new battle station, capable of destroying an entire planet, will be constructed.

In a short statement to the press, Trump explained his reasoning for claiming the planets.

“Finders keepers,” Trump said, “losers don’t get no fuckin’ planets, bitches.”

The co-presidents decided on TRAPPIST-1 for a number of reasons, Trump said. Chief among those reasons is that he “just wanted to.” Trump explained as co-president he has the legal, moral, ethical, and constitutional authority and duty to do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants.

“And if you hear some news outlet with some nerdy fuck in a suit calling himself a lawyer and telling you I don’t have that authority,” Trump said pointedly, “is FAKE NEWS and an enemy of the people. We will be rounding up journalists, comedians, and other people who think the First Amendment means they can speak and think freely without fear of retribution from the government. What kind of hippy dippy bullshit is that, anyway?”

President Putin, while supportive of this project, warned America not to be “too proud” of their new battlestation.

“I think America should be careful to not become too proud of this technological terror they’ll construct,” Putin said, “the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant if you don’t know for sure you’re blowing up libtards. We need advanced scouting of these planets first, obviously.”

Trump also announced several other high profile projects his administration will begin laying the groundwork for.

“Of course there’s the southern border wall,” Trump said, “which will be paid for by Mexico, you know, once the American people get done paying for it. We’ll just, um, figure something out. Maybe on the honor system. I don’t know. It’s going to be seventeen miles high though, I know that for a fact.”

Other projects include “special camps where Muslims can go and concentrate.” Trump said that Muslim Americans more than any other Americans need to be able to “sit and focus” for long periods of time, and that his administration was sympathetic to that, so they’d be building special camps “just so Muslims can really concentrate in them.” Trump also announced that he’d be sending NASA to “take all the cheese in the moon” as well as sending astronauts to Mars to determine if that’s where boys get candy bars, and another team will be sent to Jupiter to see if girls go there to “get more stupider.”

Watch a video released by NASA on the TRAPPIST-1 solar system and its exoplanets, below.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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