Town Trump Supporter Plans Switch From Keystone Light To Ambien For A Better Night’s Racism

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — When Jehtro Bohiggins logged onto Twitter early one morning this week, he says he was “shocked and dismayed” to find that one of his favorite TV shows had been cancelled, and to make matters worse for him, Bohiggins says, the show was canceled for “purely cucked and libtarded reasons.”

“Let me tell you something, fam, the lamestream liberal elites couldn’t handle that ‘Roseanne’ was killing it in the ratings, and they knew that had to take her down,” Jethro said. “I just am in shock that they had the guts to take her down with her own words!”

As shocked as he was to find out “Roseanne” was canceled, Jethro told his podcast audience, he was “completely and totally blown away” when he saw that Barr blamed her racist tweet about Valerie Jarrett looking like an ape on her Ambien prescription. The makers of Ambien released a statement denying that racism is a known side effect of their drug. Jethro said this development made him do some “serious thinking.”

“Roseanne’s Ambien excuse got me to thinking,” Jethro said, “what if I’ve been shortchangin’ myself in how racist I can be?”

Jethro explained himself further after a commercial break.

“My whole life, I’ve relied on God’s own grand elixir for bringing out my racist tendencies,” Bohiggins said. “Keystone Light. Or, if the store ain’t got that one in stock, I’ll go with Busch, or Bud if I’m particularly cash rich that week. But maybe all those Keystones aren’t getting me the full night’s racism I desperately need to keep up with the boys down at the fishing hole.”

In the coming weeks, Bohiggins plans to talk to his doctor to see if Ambien is right for him.

“I want a full night’s racism,” Bohiggins said. “I’m tired of waking up in the morning and feeling like there might have been an epithet or two I could’ve said but didn’t!”

James‘ satire is also found on: Alternative Facts Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute The Pastiche Post Satirical Facts

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