Town Republican Okay With Abortion Rape Exception ‘Only If She Wasn’t Askin’ For It’

SAND CORE, TENNESSEE — In a sleepy town not far from Memphis, William Jasper is writing a letter “to every single state government official” he can find the address on the Internet for. The purpose of his letter is to implore lawmakers in Tennessee to write a rape or incest exception into its current abortion restrictions, but Jasper — a 65-year-old born again Christian — is not a Democrat despite appearances; he’s a “dyed in the wool Republican,” as he puts it.

Jasper isn’t seeking rape or incest exceptions for every woman regardless of her situation. Instead, he says he thinks “only women who we know didn’t provoke their attack” should be given the chance to abort their pregnancy. Jasper says that in his experience “even though a woman may have no interest in sex, she may give certain cues to men — like being female and around a man, for example — that give him the impression she’d at least be up for some hand and mouth stuff, and usually more.”

“I’m not a heartless sociopath, I can be flexible,” Jasper told our reporter, adding that the alleged rape or incest victim just “needs to prove that she wasn’t dressed provocatively” and that “she didn’t do or say things to in any way, shape, or form imply that she’d be willing to have sex with her rapist.” Jasper said he isn’t “victim blaming” so much as “making sure any alleged victim takes her share of the credit for being in a situation to be raped in the first place.” Usually, Jasper says, what the woman did to be put in the situation to be raped is “being a woman.”

At one point, Jasper said that “Basically, I’m for the rape exception, but only if she wasn’t askin’ for it. Maybe that’s politically incorrect, but hey, sometimes when someone is murdered you just have to say, ‘What did they do to deserve becoming an innocent victim of this crime,’ know what I mean?”

Mr. Jasper also had a ready list of items that he feels negates a woman’s right to abort her rape pregnancy. “Things like making eye contact, smiling, politely declining a drink,” Jasper said, “these are all ways a gal can make herself seem okay with having sex with someone, and should be natural carve-outs for rape laws.” In his estimation, the retired salesman says, “if [the victim] can prove she was basically sitting there, in a burqa or other type of completely concealing clothing, not speaking, not looking at anyone, barely breathing really, then she should get to have an abortion. Otherwise, I’m sorry, but society must step in and remove her right to reproduce whenever she feels ready, and not after being violated sexually.”

“The bottom line is a simple one,” Jasper said as the interview was ending, “men are biologically engineered by God’s natural laws to be better at determining reproductive issues. Women just simply cannot be trusted to know exactly when she needs an abortion, and an alleged rape is no reason to not to force her to carry her attacker’s baby to full-term, is it? I don’t think so. I mean, I’ve never known anyone who got raped, so I’m really speaking completely on conjecture here, but when has that ever stopped a conservative Republican from pontificating about anything?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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